Thoughts@Work

Just do it

2010-05-27T23:30:00.000-07:00

Taking pictures is so fun! Seriously, nothing is better than going out and trying to get the right photograph. Well, I guess the only thing better is going out trying to get a great picture with the one you love, who is also trying to get the right picture.

Me and my girlfriend have been going on these "photography dates," where we go around towns, farms, and nature preserves taking pictures. It has given us something very constructive and fulfilling to do while on a date.

We both took intro to digital photography classes last semester, and these dates have kind of been the results. We gone around Davis, Sacramento, old town Franklin, Lake Berryessa, the Sacramento Delta, San Francisco, Santa Cruz, and Monterrey so far in our trips.

It really makes a huge difference to have someone with you working through the same challenges that come with photography, like getting out and taking pictures. Having someone with you makes you get out and just do it.

Check out my Flickr here- http://www.flickr.com/photos/cecilio_padilla/

Hannah taking pictures at the Sacramento River

This is it...

2010-05-26T23:27:00.000-07:00

So I passed. It doesn't seem real yet, but passing all my classes this semester without failing any means that I am going to UC Davis for sure. No rescinding. No more bitching and moaning about wasting my time at a community college (even though I didn't). No more waiting around. This time it is finally happening.

A
A
B
B
C

That final 'C' was in the class I was most worried about. Logic and Critical Thinking. Kind of ironic, since if I thought logically, I could have seen that I never got lower than a 'C' in any of the tests (although I never got higher than one either). Which would mean that there was pretty much no way I was going to get lower than at least a 'C' in that class. But for the past few days (as I was waiting for those final grades to come out) I had been agonizing over my fate in that class.

Looking back on this semester, I still have those same woes that I usually have at the end of the term. The "oh, I know I could have done better" thoughts and feelings, because I know I could have if I had just tried a little harder in each of those classes I got less than an 'A'. But such is life. We can't dwell on things a little as that. The bigger picture is that I passed. I passed. I passed. I can't repeat that to myself enough. I passed...

I am totally elated by passing for the simple fact that back in high school, I was accepted and ready to go to UC Santa Cruz. Only, fate didn't have it that way. I failed my Intro to Analysis class (pre-calculus) and Santa Cruz rescinded my acceptance. I didn't really feel like fighting it, because in the back of my mind I guess I really kind of wanted to go to Sacramento City College. But throughout the rest of my mind, thoughts about "oh, what a fucking failure" were the most prevalent, seeping into the fabric of my being and defining my personality for the first few semesters I was at City College.

That feeling of failure lingered for quite awhile in my semesters at City, but slowly, it was chipped away by the experience that I think will come to define me for the rest of my life: The Express.

Never before has an experience like I had there been so rewarding, so reinvigorating, and yet so frustrating. I can still remember my first day three years ago like if it were only this past week, or even just a few hours ago. Walking around with Hannah, killing time before the Express started, sitting around, seeing all of these unfamiliar faces, some of them kind of weird. I never thought I'd look back at this time nostalgically, but it has become that far disconnected (if that's the right word). From our dealings with Brown Issues, to me becoming Editor in Chief, to more dealings with Brown Issues, to the anti-abortion protesters, to me becoming Editor in Chief of the online class, and all the other stuff both Express and non-Express related, I feel like I've been through way more than someone working at a community college publication should have been through. But, don't get me wrong, I am so glad I went through it. Call it a trial by fire or whatever, but thanks to all of those experiences, for better or worse, I learned immensely from them.

Anyway, through all of that, how can I say that my time at City College was a waste of time? I can't even believe I thought that when I first started there. This place was anything but a waste of time. Yes, I've changed my major plenty of times; from journalism to film, to theatre arts, back to journalism, then to political science. But thanks to the IGETC, I still finished in only three years, what I would think is the average time for people to get their general ed's out of the way here even if they do call these "2-year schools". This place was the farthest from a waste of time that you could get.

In the end, yeah, I am still a bit bummed that I missed out on a lot of those experiences that my fellow DHS alumni were able to be a part of that so define college life. But, I can still make up for it a UCD. Two years doesn't seem like a lot of time. But if I learned anything from City College, it's that you've got to make the most of the time you're given; whether it's because you're dangerously balancing work and school (and family, and other obligations), or because you've only got so much financial aid (or any money for that matter) to take classes, or because you just want to get the most out of your education. It's time to make up for lost time...

Me, kind of being a dork at the Express

Losing sleep

2010-05-12T22:36:00.000-07:00

Holy crap, I can't believe it, but the semester's already coming to an end. Today was my last day of regular instruction in any of my classes, and next week is finals. I need to get at least a 2.8 in my transferable classes in order to stay accepted at UC Davis. I don't think I'm doing too poorly in any of my classes so that I might fail like I did second semester of senior year, the thing that made me go to Sac City in the first place. So, in my crazed quest to not repeat the past, I've been finishing my homework all up. Of course, it would have been a good idea to stay on track and turn in everything earlier, but I guess that's not how I roll. I just have to make things interesting in the end...

I'm really trying to stay on top of my game. I still procrastinate way more than I should, but I'm starting to get that sense of urgency that I can't waste any more time. I will have to make up for the time that I didn't spend at UCD. Two years seems really short, but that's all I have. I've been going over financial stuff, and quite frankly I don't really have any time to waste, because it would be a huge financial burden on my family and myself if I can't finish on time. I spent an extra year at SCC, so hopefully that kind of makes up for some of the stuff I might need to finish, but I can't go blindly into things anymore. I have to stay in touch with my counselors, I have to keep track of all deadlines, I have to be on top of my game. This doesn't seem like it will be an easy feat...

Also, today was my last day of being Editor in Chief of SacCityExpress.com, the school newspaper's website. I must say, it was a lot more fun than being editor of the newspaper. I think online journalism fits me so much more than the usual print journalism. It's just something about being constantly on the clock, not just trying to meet the usual press time deadline. This class really restored my love of journalism, mainly because it introduced me to a whole bunch of new ways to tell a story. Writing is still the absolute most basic skill in how we can tell a story (and the thing that everyone should learn first) but at the dawn of the digital age, there are so many more ways now to tell a story. Indeed, this class has really drawn me away from my roots as a writer, but it has also made me combine my love of videography with journalism. I'm curious to see where journalism goes from here, but I think I'll be at the forefront of wherever it goes...

Past, present, and future

2010-05-04T22:34:00.000-07:00

So, I was rejected from UC Berkeley. Not much of a surprise, but it was still a little depressing to log into the admission site and see that message...

So, that makes me 2 for 4, a .500 batting average. I've already decided where I'm going, however. GO AGGIES!!!

I'm going to write a little more on this later, but it feels right, going to UCD I mean. It feels like I was meant to go there eventually.

Also, on Monday, I made it through my last production day at the Express. I must say, I'm probably going to miss it a lot. 5 out of my 6 semesters were spent in that trailer. I calculated it out a little while ago, and I found that I have spent around a total of a month's worth of hours in that place, and that's the low estimate.

I'm not saying I wasted my time there or anything. I'm just saying damn, how time flies...

Batting average

2010-04-27T23:39:00.000-07:00

So far, I've gotten into Sac State and UC Davis, and have been rejected by only UC Santa Barbara. That's 2/3, or .667 batting average. Pretty freaking good if you ask me, although if I compare it to how it was when I applied to college in high school, I only got into 2 out of the 6, which comes out to a .333 average. I guess I'm just psyched about it finally being baseball season again, I'm not exactly sure.

I'm still waiting on Berkeley, which is supposed to send out decisions on Friday, but I'm not really worried to really anxious at this point. I'm in at UCD, which for some reason, was the only one I truly really cared about. Something tells me that even if I got in at Berkeley, I would still choose Davis over it. How bizarre...

Listen to the music

2010-04-20T00:09:00.000-07:00

A 70s Ventura Barney Kessel copy, an imitation of a Gibson guitar of the same name.

It took my uncle a whole year to finish it, but it's finally done.

You see, a friend of mine gave me this guitar for my 20th birthday. It was in absolutely putrid shape at that point. She kept it in her garage for a good part of the year, without a case. Before that, her dad (the original owner) kept it in storage for a good long while as well, out of the case. I'm not exactly sure why they were so hell-bent on destroying this guitar, but they pretty much succeeded.

When I first got this guitar, it had the wrong kind of strings on it (someone somehow stretched piano wire on it), the electronics were all shot (the pick-ups were pretty much fried), the jack somehow found it's way loose and was rattling around inside, and the neck was pretty much unplayable.

Well, somehow, my uncle go it back to at least playable shape. He replaced the pick-ups with some Epiphone ones that work and have a great warmth to them, he rewired everything so that it actually plays, he fixed the bend in the neck, and overall just cleaned the poor soul up. It is now it pretty respectable condition, although there is still a lot of work I would like done on it.

I'm considering taking it to a real luthier, but for now, as long as it plays, I guess I can deal with it.

Maybe I'll get my first gig sometime soon. Who knows?

Picnic Day, 2010

2010-04-19T23:15:00.000-07:00

I'm on the fence about drinking. I guess I'm just not a fan of it.

You see, a few days ago now was the annual Davis tradition of Picnic Day. For years, the only thing I really knew of it was the cute little parade that marches through downtown. As a kid, this was the most bitchin' thing about Davis, because when the floats would trot on by, we would spray the ones we liked with silly string. As we got older, some of my friends would spray the floats with water guns. Eventually they outlawed silly string, not because of the people in the floats complaining, but because planners found that cleaning up the string was way too much of a hassle...

Anyway, once we got even older, we realized that the real reason so many people converged on Davis that day was because of all the crazy parties that would go on at the frat houses and bars. As a teenager, this was a mild curiosity, looking on at possible analogs of myself as the flopped along from bar to bar, hitting on any piece of ass they saw along the way. In my mind I was thinking, will I really be that way when I am of that age?

Well, I guess not, and thankfully so. I can count the number of alcoholic drinks I've had on one hand, and quite frankly I don't really plan on making that number grow exponentially, even though I turned 21 this past January.

To be even more frank, the novelty of even watching people drink and flop around wears thin after 3 years of college. As me and my girlfriend were riding our bikes to the parade at around 10 in the morning of this past Picnic Day, we must have passed by at least 3 houses where people were already playing beer pong. Is the only this day exists is for people to have an excuse to drink? Maybe it's because I haven't really let loose in my life, some friends of mine would probably say, but I don't really feel the need to let loose in that way. I want to be in control of my actions. I am afraid of what I would do if I were drunk.

I don't know if I will come off as an asshole or something, but one other thing about the drinking part of Picnic Day that annoys the hell out of me is how it brings all of these totally douche-bag-ish people to Davis who I know, I know! don't even go to UCD. There was this group of absolutely sketch-ass mother fuckers who set up camp in the middle of Central Park as me and my girlfriend were leaving downtown. Maybe they were just having a good time, but from what I heard from the cops later on was that quite a few groups, probably them included, go kind of rowdy and tazers were deployed on some people. While as an advocate for civil rights and everything, sometimes some people have it coming.

What this rant is really trying to get at is that even though I such easy access to alcohol, that even though quite a few of my friends are total drunkards and would totally love it if I "loosened up" and knocked back a few, I don't feel the need to at all. It's weird, really. Something inside of me is saying that "what would be the harm?" While the other, much bigger side of me, is saying "don't betray your beliefs." I'm not talking about religious beliefs, I'm just talking about the belief I have that I don't need alcohol to be a "cool" person.

I am so glad that me and my girlfriend still had fun at Picnic Day without drinking, or even getting near a single drop of alcohol. Granted, the drunks walking around that day were worth a chuckle or two. But I just hope that at least some of them can see that life doesn't have to be enjoyed in a haze where you don't really remember what you did last night.

I am no crazy religious conservative asking for temperance, I'm just a person who doesn't feel the need to drink alcohol.

This picture pretty much sums of Picnic Day; drunkards everywhere...

Over the hump

2010-04-06T23:15:00.000-07:00

Spring break ended a few days ago and now I'm right back at it, trying to finish out this semester the best way possible. My vacation wasn't too hectic, but it wasn't totally relaxing either. It started out with me, my sister and my dad voyaging down to Anaheim for her annual cheer competition. This is me being kind of bored and taking random pictures around the Anaheim convention center-

That was on Friday, the day of her stunt competition. We got there on Thursday and stayed until Sunday. The drive over there was punctuated by a lot of moments of utter boredom, when all I could really do is take totally random pictures like this-

Also on Friday, after that short competition was over, we decided to make a trip over to Huntington Beach. We didn't really know how to get there, but there were some sings that said "Huntington Beach this way" and such, so we just kind of followed those. Eventually we found it, off of an avenue called "Beach avenue." Really creative. This is some of what we saw-

On Saturday, while my sister was having fun at Disneyland (of which, we were staying pretty much right next to the whole time), me and my dad went around LA, where we probably only drove around 30 or so miles, but with LA traffic, we commuted for a good 3-5 hours easily. It was somewhat worth it, however, as we got to go to Hollywood Blvd and I got to take some pretty cool pictures, like this-

Other places we went to on Saturday were this little shopping area called The Grove, which had some pretty expensive looking restaurants and boutiques, but otherwise was just an open-air Arden Mall, and some hella ghetto-ass places around Los Angeles as we got lost a few times. Not really fun...

I took some pictures on Sunday, but nothing really interesting. I was too tired and exhausted from the trip to really want to do anything worthwhile. I just wanted to go home and sleep in my own bed again, which is the thing about spending time away from home that I like: realizing how much I really do love my own bed in my own room where I can be king for at least the night. Nothing better than coming home and plopping right on that bed that seems to remember your body like a well-worn glove.

On Wednesday of the actual week of spring break (I got a little bit of a head start with mine), me and Hannah decided to trek down to Monterey for a little spring break getaway. I totally underestimated the distance from where I live to Monterey, which is a good 3 hours. Needless to say, I was totally pooped at the end of that trip, of which I decided to turn on the little trip counter on my car just to see how much driving I did. It clocked in more than 500 miles that day. Shit.

But, it was totally worth it. Spending the whole day with my love would make any day bearable, but also visiting the cool vistas of the Monterey piers and Monterey Bay Aquarium was just the icing on the cake. Not to mention, after we went to Monterey, we decided to meet up with her friend in San Carlos up north by San Francisco for dinner. More of a drive but still a great end to a good day. Plus, I got pictures like this from the aquarium-

Overall, it was a great spring break, something I needed to rejuvenate myself for the last 6 weeks of school left. Just 6 more weeks left of school at Sacramento City College. I can't believe it, but yeah, I am over the hump and everything is just downhill from here, although I still have quite a bit of work to do for all of my classes. But still, I can almost see the light at the end...

Once more, with feeling

2010-03-19T00:14:00.000-07:00

Back to square one, in a manner of speaking...

I find it totally awesome that it's been nearly a year since I lasted posted on here. Pretty cool, considering that the past year has been the most eventful of my life. Hand down. I've seen more ups and downs during this time than I think I've experienced in the first 20 years of my life, excluding that awkward time between 9th and 10th grade. Needless to say, I've been quite happy, actually. This is life, isn't it? Dealing through shit and living it up as hard as you can. Well, in my case, living up the small stuff. Celebrating the little victories, like getting home safely every day after driving to and from Sacramento. Shit like that.

Anyway, I'm back to square one because, like my senior year of high school, this period of time I am in now too closely resembles the time I was waiting for those college admissions decisions to come out. You see, I'm in my last semester at Sacramento City College, meaning, I'm transferring to a 4-year school this coming fall. Bitchin'! Only, that meant that this past fall, I had to apply to colleges much in the way I had to apply back in high school... It felt like a redress of high school, the same old shit playing over again, only with a few different supporting characters.

In high school, I applied to UCLA, UCSD, UCD, UCSC, USC, and SFSU. Of those, I only go into UCSC and SFSU. Quite frankly, I was OK with just getting into those two at the time because I thought it meant that I was getting out of Davis and moving onto the next chapter of my life. Wrong! I failed a class my second semester of senior year and had my admission rejected. But, inspite of my rejections at the time, it was a blessing. My years at Sacramento City College have been the most eye-opening and beautiful of my life. I've met so many awesome people, it more than makes up for what I felt I lost out on in not being able to be a part of that dorm life so many of my friends were privy to. I met Hannah...

This past fall, I applied to UCD, UCSB, UC Berkeley and Sac State. So far I've only heard from Sac State, and those fuckers didn't even admit me. Instead, they said my application was missing a class that they said I need and I can't count from the AP scores I received in high school. One fucking class. Luckily, I'm taking the equivalent course this semester, meaning that I am pretty much in at Sac State barring some crazy fucking shit that once again prohibits me from getting in. Apparently, UCSB will start to be sending out their decisions next week or so. How I wish that they accept me, just to get things started right, you know?

I'm not going crazy anxious, yet, waiting for these decisions to come out. It's just that I'm worried that I did not fill out the applications correctly or that they just don't like my essays or that I'm stuck going to Sac State. Fuck, things are so much like high school it's not even funny right now.

Sorry if I've lost my writing touch, I've been out of practice for a good while now. I haven't really been writing all that much ever since I served as editor in chief of the newspaper, ironically. Instead, I've probably read a really huge proportion more than I've written. Sad, given the fact that I've won a JACC award for a critical review piece. Time to get back in shape, time to knock all the dust off. Time to get back on track and re-center myself, which is part of the reason why I am once more writing in this blog. Thanks for reading.

^_^

2009-03-04T23:07:00.001-08:00

For once, I am happy.

All good things...

2008-12-01T22:37:00.000-08:00

Another conversation with myself...

As a kid, I used to think a lot about space. I used to marvel at how big it seemed; the sheer size and space it represents used to just boggle my mind. It still marvels me whenever I think deep enough about how big the universe really is. I mean, no matter how long you lived, you wouldn't be able to visit every single star in the sky. It's just crazy to me to think that so much else is going on the universe, so much so that everything we do here really amounts to nothing. That our entire existence is nothing more than a single molecule of H20 in the ocean. It was both frightening and interesting at the same time. I still marvel at all of that.

When I found out that by the time the majority of light from the stars the reaches us here that the star has already probably gone supernova and doesn't exist anymore, I was just amazed even more. Just the amount of sheer time it took for the light of a star to reach us dumfounded me, and to this day I still am amazed and in a little disbelief. Everything we see in the sky is just a snapshot, a picture of what once was. It exists, but only to us, and to anyone else who could have caught a glimpse.

But one thing that used to trouble me the most was what, if ever possible, would we encounter at the end of the universe? Some things I dreamed up were that at the end of universe, there would be just a wall not much unlike the walls of my room. I also used to dream of unending blackness.

I never really thought that the universe was infinite, even in my younger days I didn't think that. Everything must end, I reasoned. Indeed, the universe may seem infinite, and by scale of feasible time it would take to reach from one end to the other, it may as well be infinite. But there is an end. There is always an end.

Every time I move on from something that I have been doing for a long time, I always seem to be reminded of those thoughts I had as a kid about how the end of the universe would look like. When I graduated high school a whole year ago now (seems like so much longer...), we had this thing called Grad Night, where almost all of us seniors were locked up in a school to hang out and party all night. There were parts of the school that you could be outside, although still locked up in the school. I remember looking up at the star-filled sky, and for a little while I channeled that little boy inside of me who used to look up at the sky every night and think about the past, the present, and what was to come. Indeed, for a little while, I was very scared. Where would I be a year from that moment? Would I go anywhere? Would I do anything with my life?

Yeah, it's way too early to answer most of those questions, but once again, I find myself at the edge of another end. It isn't a dead end, rather, it should be just the door at the end of a long hallway of pain and suffering that somehow resulted in my finding what I wanted to do with my life; the career choice I found for myself.

What I am talking about is the fact that after the end of this school semester, I will no longer be a part of the Express school newspaper anymore. That breaks an almost three year streak where in some way or form I was involved in the a newspaper somehow, whether at the HUB in high school, or the Express in college.

I already signed up for all my classes for next semester, and while I may switch around some classes a little later before the spring semester starts, I know for a fact that none of the classes I will be taking will have anything to do with journalism.

I guess you could say I reached the highest point I could reach, so why should I be all melancholy and stuff? Well, it never really hit me at all this semester that I was the editor in chief of something. I just didn't feel like the boss. It wasn't my style of leadership to be the unquestioned boss, I just wanted to learn along with everyone else as the semester flew by. But I noticed many times this semester that this philosophy failed me miserably. People want someone to give them direction, people want someone to be the hardass and tell them exactly what to do, no matter how much they cry and complain about you later. It's one of the catch-22's of leadership, you've just got to be jerk and piss some people off, or you'll just be a floor mat and people will be pissed off because they think you aren't doing anything.

I remember the advisors Doug and Dianne talking about how being an editor, any editor for that matter not just the big guy in charge, will really tell you something about yourself and whether you want to continue in this journalism business. When I first got word that I got the job as News editor last semester, I thought back to all those days when I was a measly reporter who did the dirty work for my editors. I know that some of my editors were great and wonderful people who I would work under in a heartbeat if I could, but there were some who just didn't seem like they wanted to be editor, and didn't seem like they knew what they were doing. The worst part was that they pretended to know what they were doing most of the time. In high school and college, I don't think anyone who holds any sort of higher position over others can act that way in a learning environment. I knew promised myself that if I ever got any higher position if I advanced in this field at this level, I wouldn't act in that way at all. To me, at this level of things, everything is a learning experience, even though we are told that we are learning as we are practicing the same type of journalism that the pros do, since there are no minor leagues.

Anyway, from all the bad experiences, and good ones, I tried to mold my personality into what I thought of as the ideal college newspaper editor. Being a news editor didn't discourage me at all from being a journalist. But, when I was announced as editor in chief last semester, I didn't take it seriously at all. It was to me, it was only the next logical step I had to take. Nothing more. I took a full load of classes, thinking I would be able to balance everything. Like usual, I was wrong.

At the moment, only half of my classes remain. I'd rather not go into all the reasons I dropped them, but let's just say that there is a curse on every editor in chief who serves at the Express. Something will disrupt your semester and screw you over.

But now, here I am, at the end. Wednesday is the last production day that I will be a part of here. From then on out, this newspaper will be the care of another crew, with their own stories to tell. I am not sad for that, in fact, I look forward to see just what exactly the next staff will bring. But, I am beginning to be saddened when I think of all the things I set out to do ever since I was just a little budding reporter in high school.

Indeed, this is not the end of my journalism career, far from it. It's just, I believe this is the end of this chapter of my journalism career. From here on out, I can only go down again, to a reporter on an actual newspaper, working for editors whose career it is to produce a newspaper. Like I stated earlier, being an editor at this level hasn't extinguished the fire inside of me that makes me want to be a journalist the rest of my life. But it sure as hell given me a new perspective on things.

Yet, I can't help but think about how these next few days represent the end of all I've worked for these past three years. Indeed, it has actually been much longer, if I count the time time when I was on the little pathetic elementary school newspaper back in 4th, 5th, and 6th grade. Rather, I am counting the time when I rediscovered my love of this profession back in 11th grade.

(Time for a little story) For the longest time, I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. With 11th grade fast approaching, with that being the year most people scope out colleges and fill out their applications with extracurriculars and stuff like that, I felt I had to choose something. When I found out that the teacher who used to advise that little elementary school newspaper would be teaching this journalism class at the high school, I jumped at the opportunity to see her again. Indeed, I always tell people I had a little crush on my high school journalism teacher which resulted indirectly in rekindling my love for journalism. Indeed, it is true, but not the only reason I fell in love with journalism again.

You see, if you know me, I am probably the farthest thing from you would think of as a journalist. I am very quiet, I don't necessarily like talking to new people, new places scare me, I wasn't the best writer, etc etc. But, whenever I went into journalist mode, I completely changed. It was a way for me to break out of my shell, if only for the time I had my journalist hat on.

Anyway, I still remember the person I was way back when I was first starting out, and now that I've reached the end, I think about that time more and more. What have I accomplished since then? Have I done anything? Has this all been a waste of time? What if I don't get a professional job, will it mean that I am not ready yet? So many questions without answers are racing through my head at the moment, I don't even remember half of them. But more than a few are making me panic.

All good things...

Yes, this whole experience has been for the better, I must tell myself. I don't know if I believe it yet, but I feel like I must keep telling myself that. When things come to an end, you've got to just look back at what you have seen. Whether it was the entire universe, or the universe according to yourself. Of course there were a shit load of things you missed, but there would have been no way possible to do everything you want, just like it would be impossible to visit every star in the universe. All good things must come to an end. But that doesn't mean that there aren't better things to come. Hopefully there is more out there, not just unending blackness.

So, what's next?

Who am I?

2008-08-22T23:59:00.000-07:00

I read one time a little while back that the overwhelming majority of Americans define themselves by the job. That is to say, the first thing we might reveal to a new person we meet is what we do for a living. Not that I'm worried at all about this; I just find it an interesting bit of social psychology. I also find it a bit limiting. Of course, as a student (studying to be a journalist; I can't define myself like that just yet) I am still trying to find my way into the monotonous groove that will be the rest of m life. Like the average person my age, I think it's hard to define who I am. But, that won't stop me from trying. So, I made up a list of things I am. It might kind of sound like that one Meredith Brooks song "Bitch," but whatever... Here you go.

Who am I? I am a liberal, overweight, guitar-playing, music-loving, 2007 Davis Senior High grad, baseball fan, football fanatic, sports enthusiast who's not too athletic, working student, older brother, only son, half-Mexican, half-Filipino, natural born American citizen, shy, student journalist, closet theatre geek, indie filmmaker, Mac user, video game aficionado, caffeine addict, member of generation y.

I don't know if that is in any particular order. But it is what it is. I guess if I had to make up tags like tags for what categories this post goes under, those would be it...

Current Top Ten Albums of Mine...

2008-08-13T22:43:00.000-07:00

Because I have been organizing my music library, I've decided to compile a list of my favorite albums of all time. I have taken many factors into consideration, and have come up with a list of the top ten. Some of them don't get as much plays on my iPod, stereo, turntable (yes! I have a turntable), but each one in someway defines my current musical tastes. That also means that this list will most definitely change over time. So, without any further a due, here's the list, along with some blurbs about each one.

10. Soviet Kitsch by Regina Spektor (2004)- Her voice is just awesome. Period. You should listen to her most recent album, Begin To Hope, then move backward through her catalogue, to fully appreciate her musical brilliance. This album takes a little time to sink in, and maybe an acquired taste, but in the end I think it's worth it. It also doesn't hurt that she's extraordinarily cute. Maybe my huge crush on affects my feelings towards her music, but whatever. Favorite songs- "Ode To Divorce," "Us," and "Your Honor."

9. Phrenology by The Roots (2002)- Instrumental rap at it's best. Anyone who hates on rap for not being real music, well, they haven't heard the Roots. They are the best example of everything that is great about rap; and music for that matter. There is a socially conscious message in every one of their albums. It's just that this album is their most enjoyable, a perfect blend of their social commentary and head bobbing hooks. Favorite songs, "Rock You," "Sacrifice," "The Seed 2.0," and "Break You Off."

8. Let There Be Rock by AC/DC (1977)- This is what rock and roll is supposed to be. Minimalist, kick-your-ass bluesy rock. 'Nuff said. Favorite tracks- "Let There Be Rock," "Bad Boy Boogie," and "Whole Lotta Rosie."

7. Demon Days by Gorillaz (2005)- Take away the whole cartoon band shtick of the Gorillaz, and your left with some pretty awesome tunes. I can just put this album on and let it play itself out, which is what I tended to do quite a bit on my daily voyages to Sacramento riding on the bus and light rail. It's a perfect soundtrack to the inner city, at least to me. Dark, funky, and always enjoyable. Favorite tracks- "O Green World," "Dirty Harry," "El Mañana," and "Dare."

6. Third by Portishead (2008)- Their first and second albums are brilliant, but they take their sound to a whole new level here. Beth Gibbon's voice is beautifully expressive, while the backing beats are as disturbing as they are catchy. While not it doesn't have songs that are as immediately memorable as their first album, it does sport some their most eclectic blends of sounds. The rocking electronica track "We Carry On" is immediately followed by the barbershop-esque "Deep Water." Masterful songwriting brings the whole thing together. Favorite tracks- "Silence," "We Carry On," "Deep Water," and "Machine Gun."

5. We Are Pilots by Shiny Toy Guns (2006)- I bought this album for one track, "Le Disko," a little while back, and forgot about it until I put my iPod on shuffle one day and so happened upon "Rainy Monday." I decided to listen to the rest of the album, and fell in love with this group. Now whenever I hear one of the tracks, I just have to listen to the rest of the album. I can't wait for their new album due out this November, but I am a little disappointed that they parted ways with Carah Faye Charnow; she can never be replaced. Favorite tracks "You Are The One," "Starts With One," "Don't Cry Out," "Rainy Monday," and "We Are Pilots."

4. The Eraser by Thom Yorke (2006)- I will listen to anything remotely related to Radiohead. But Thom's solo album takes the best of what he brings to Radiohead (his brilliant songwriting abilities) and mixes it with minimalist electronica loops. Indeed, this could have easily been a Radiohead album, and probably the best result of their experimentation on albums like Kid A and Amnesiac. So yeah, Thom doesn't stray too far from his Radiohead stuff, but for some reason I find this album more enjoyable than more than a few Radiohead albums. Favorite tracks- "The Eraser," "Skip Divided," "Black Swan," and "Atoms For Peace."

3. Ready To Die by Notorious B.I.G. (1994)- The thing that strikes me most about this record is his sincerity. He doesn't glorify the lifestyle he lived, rather, he acts more like a documentarian, if that's a word. Gangster rap is all about the stories you weave, and what Biggie puts forth on this record is undoubtedly something he lived through. And at times, he sounds almost remorseful for acts he had committed. At least that's what I hear whenever I put this record on. Favorite tracks- "Gimmie The Loot," "Juicy" "Everyday Struggle," "Big Poppa," and "Suicidal Thoughts."

2. All That You Can't Leave Behind by U2 (2000)- This was the first CD I bought by myself. This and another reason are the reason this album holds a special place in my heart. On the last day of school of every year from 6th to 12th grade, the first song I played (well, blasted) on my radio when I got home was "Beautiful Day." It's just the perfect song to turn up and relish in all the memories of the past year. I found it fitting to use the title of this album as my senior quote in my yearbook. Favorite tracks- "Beautiful Day," "Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of," and "Walk On."

1. O.K. Computer by Radiohead (1997)- The first time I put this CD in my walkman was the first time I smiled when I listened to an album, ever. I think it is the only time I have. Simply put, my music tastes changed when I heard this album. There isn't a dull moment, not one second wasted. I don't think the spacey soundscapes will ever go out of date. I cannot choose my favorite tracks because they are all equally awesome to me. It's just something you've got to hear to believe it. Of course, it will turn off quite a few people, but those who truly appreciate it will be rewarded.

Albums that almost made the list, One Nation Under A Groove by Funkadelic (1977), Let It Bleed by The Rolling Stones (1969), and Unknown Pleasures by Joy Division (1979).

All my little plans and schemes...

2008-07-12T18:32:00.000-07:00

Nothing has really been the same since one night a little bit more than a year ago. It was the night that I walked onto the stage in front of people I had pretty much known all my life, and accepted my certificate that legitimized all that I had worked at those first eighteen years of my existence. I believe I can finally look back on that night and contemplate what it really meant to me, especially since, at the time, it felt like just another day, just another thing I had to do...

I wonder, have I changed at all from that person I was that night? Did I move onto manhood? This seems to be a major theme in my life, wondering whether I am still the person I was after some major event... (flashback time!)

Entering junior high, only a few weeks into the school year, the September 11th attacks took place, and I was left to ponder for the first real time in my life what drives people to such ends that they felt extreme and immediate violence was necessary. Was it their religion? Was it their circumstance? Or was it some other thing that I could never even begin to comprehend? That question still remains unanswered in my life, but I can trace parts of my disillusionment with religion (of which I have written about to no end) to that point.

Then, a few years later, at the beginning of high school, I was dealt probably the biggest blow in my life, the passing of my grandfather. My grandparents had been a major part of my childhood. My grandmother (who is still alive, but has pretty advanced Alzheimer's and doesn't even remember me anymore) pretty much raised me during my first few summers, being that my parents couldn't take off from work and had to have someone babysit me. It's an experience none of my siblings got. But, my grandfather; he was like the closest thing I ever had to an idol. He had this quiet, calming strength to him that was and will forever be reassuring to me. I always loved going over to his place, in part because he used to give me five dollars every time we visited. But, also, I would love to go there just to sit and listen to him and my father talk. They epitomized "grown up" talk to me in their discussions on everything from sports to politics. If there is only one thing I really regret in my life, it is never really talking to my grandpa all that much. He was my idol, and for that, he was always very intimidating to me. When he passed, I almost cried, but I didn't. I remember how I forced myself not to cry -- boys don't cry. But, looking back, I really wish I had, since it would probably be the last time I could.

After his passing, I know my life had to take a different turn. If my childhood innocence didn't die with 9/11, it sure did with his passing. But, it just so happened that the school year after this I became embroiled with thoughts about college and my future. There was never a long time for grieving. But, what I tried to do from then on was take the best of what my grandfather showed me and go forward with life.

Now, back to my original example. Grad night, 2007. I say that nothing has been the same since then because that night forced me to change, forced me to choose. As I sit here and write this little rant out, two major things loom over my head: the fact that I will be Editor in Chief of the Sacramento City College student newspaper The Express this coming fall semester, my sophomore year of college; and a pretty big interview for a job that pays quite a bit more than anything I have done before.

I am looking back on my life to see just what this change means to me now. Call me an extraordinarily self centered historian if you will, but I am writing this also as my summer history class is winding down, with only a week to go. Anyway, looking at what I just wrote, it seems that childhood and change seem to be another major theme in my life...

Just a few months ago, me and the newspaper advisor were talking and discussing my future with The Express, so it was pretty much whether I would apply for the EIC position. In that talk, he noted that he could sense a lot of hesitation inside of me. That hesitation was the simple fact that I know that if I applied for that top job, I was pretty much guaranteed in getting it (forgive my megalomania).

Recently, I applied for a job that is a big step up from what I do currently. I know that I would be one of the most qualified candidates, but again, I hesitated.

Am I afraid of responsibility? Because, each of these two new positions seem to represent that. I know now that I am far removed from the lowly reporter I was back in high school as I was first starting out in my journalism journey. I am no longer that kid fresh out of high school starting his first day on the job and being totally intimidated by the number of adults around me who knew way more than I did. But, I applied for the EIC position, and I applied for that new job.

If there is any point to this rant, I guess it would be that there is this constant struggle within me about growing up, about taking responsibility, about resisting change. I hope that where my life is heading at the moment, the resolution of these conflicts will be made clear. Nothing has been the same since grad night, the only time I had ever stayed up all night to that point in my life. My old self survived the night, but a new day, something different, had dawned. Change doesn't happen overnight.

Late Night

2008-04-07T00:19:00.000-07:00

Extraordinary frustration. I don't know how I get through the day sometimes...

Do you ever leave your cell phone on all night, just in case you might get a call from someone, anyone? I know most people leave their phones on all night anyway, but you know me, I over think things... I always turn my phone off, it's kind of like my way of telling the world "fuck you, I'm going to bed and you can't wake me with your problems." Until I awake in the morning and turn it back on, I will not deal, or even think, of any of the days problems.

Which brings me back to leaving my phone on all night... I never do it, unless there's a reason. Something gnawing at the back of head as I lay in my bed, looking up at the darkness of my ceiling until my eyes adjust to the light. I can't sleep in silence, there always has to be some sort of white noise slowly reverberating throughout my room like a serene, whispered lullaby. I can't sleep in silence because there are always thoughts racing around my head as I try to sleep. Things that happened throughout the day, things I didn't think of until now. Great, what a time to be thinking of all the crap I did wrong, and what I could have done better. The one thing I don't need is another thing to think about, to worry whether someone, that one person, that one girl, will call back. Maybe even just a little text message, some acknowledgment that she is also awake and thinking of me.

So late, too late...

The morning after, you awake, realizing that at some point you did manage to fall asleep. Rushing over to the phone, not a thing has changed. Everything is as it was the day before. The problems still there, feelings still tender. I awake to the undeniable truth that I must face the day once more.

In the Pale Moonlight...

2008-03-20T01:17:00.000-07:00

I have always dreamed of being an astronomer. Ever since that first time I watched Star Wars, and probably before then, space has intrigued me. There was this one book I remember as a child reading this one book about the planets of the solar system. In it, there was this haunting image of the vividly blue planet Neptune that dominated my subconscious thought. One of the only dreams I remember, quite vividly still, is of being lost in this unending Neptunian ocean. That was the summer I learned how to swim, so my mind was probably just making connections. However, in this dream, I remember swimming around, looking for something to grab onto, some sort of land. But I never did, and I woke up.

Indeed, when I found out that Neptune was actually just a big ball of gas, not liquid water, I was quite crushed. I guess it was one of those loss of innocence moments, finding out that I could never actually swim on Neptune. Yet, finding out that fact only seemed to spark more interest in the mysteries of the universe for me…

But, somehow between then and just recently, I must have lost my way. As I took more science classes, I began to slowly despise how these mysteries began to fade away. When I bought my first telescope (after begging and pleading my parents to get a really expensive one), and pointed it towards the moon, I was very disappointed.

Many years passed…

It must have been about two years since I actually touched my telescope. The big behemoth reflector sat right outside my room, collecting dust. Then, for some reason, I decide to haul it out, just for the hell of it.

It was a summer night, warm enough to where I could just sit outside the whole time in jeans and a T-shirt. The high school graduation ceremony only a month ago still fresh in my mind. So, in the park behind my house, I set the telescope up on this little man made hill and just gazed at the universe. It was dark enough to where I could easily see the outline of the Milky Way. I decided to point my telescope towards the planet Jupiter (I could never find Neptune…). As I located Jupiter in the sky and looked through the eyepiece, the view amazed me. I could easily see three or four of Jupiter’s moons, and of course, Jupiter itself. This one little image, beautiful in its simplicity, re-inspired my love for space.

When I look at the stars, when I think about the universe now, things are alternately simple and mysterious. When I think about all the galaxies, nebulas, black holes, etc., I realize that this is existence. Everything that we are is located here. Yet, no one can even begin to imagine the true size and scope of it all…

Of course, the main questions that pops up from there are, why is the universe here? Why is this existence? At some point in my life, I hope to answer these questions.

When I think of these questions, when I try to answer them, these are the times I feel like a kid again. I remember the times when things didn’t seem to make sense, but I could look forward to finding the answers as I gained experience. As I succeeded. As I failed. I am humbled by how much I don’t know, but very eager to learn.

Such is life, I guess; it’s not about finding the answer, rather, it’s about the voyage we go through in finding the answer. Yeah, that’s pretty vague, so what?

fall to the darkside...

2008-03-02T00:35:00.000-08:00

And now for something you probably won’t like…

For those of you who know me, you know how I despise religion. I won’t show it outwardly, unless there’s something that really gets to me. But, if you are talking about praying, going to church, or missions, and you take a look at me, you will notice my distance…

I was a Catholic. I went through all of the necessary sacraments; from baptism to confirmation. My whole family, on both sides, is devoutly Catholic. But, a little while into last year, I just decide to stop going to church. Something just didn’t click with me, I guess.

You see, as I sat in church those first 18 years of my life, I never really believed in anything that was being said. From there being a higher power to the belief that one guy died for our supposed sins. Nothing made any sense.

Why do we believe in these things such as God? Well, I guess in order to answer that question, we’d have to understand the whole idea of faith and belief. To me, faith and belief are completely and totally different from person to person. It has to be.

We all have our own set of preconceived notions that define how we think. It is what formed these notions that defines who we are as a person. We can change, but not easily.

This is where faith comes in, I believe (no pun intended). When there is something that we don’t understand, we can either attempt to understand it, or, leave it a mystery. Both ways have their uses.

The problem I have with religion is how a lot of people use it as more of a crutch than anything else. They use it as a reason for persecution of others with differing beliefs. They use it as an excuse to justify social injustice. They use it as empty encouragement when they don’t know anything else to say.

There is this image burned in my mind of something I saw in downtown as I waited for the bus back to Davis in Downtown Sacramento. Outside the capital building, parked right by the crosswalk, sat this truck adorned with a large cross protruding from the roof, and messages written all over the sides. It was labeled a as a “truth truck.” The messages it was sending out? “Repent for your sins!” “Homosexuality is a sin!” so on and so forth.

It took me all my might to stop myself from pissing on the truck right then and there. So, instead, I just hocked a big luggie on the hood.

But, it also got me to thinking; how could the same religion that preaches peace and forgiveness also foster this kind of hate and intolerance?

The only answer I can give to that is that faith and belief are totally different from person to person.

Now, what does this have to do with me totally losing faith in my own religion? Well, simply put, everything lost all meaning to me.

When I hear someone saying “God will show you the way” and “Christ is the way,” they have absolutely no weight with me. Even when I thought I was a Catholic, these phrases, the prayers, the simple act of going to church felt empty and meaningless. To me, they almost represent a form of ignorance.

I guess you could say that I was never really Catholic in the first place. You could also say that I just don’t have the connection with God or whatnot that others who truly believe do. But, to counter, I would say that I tried deeply to have a connection with God. You see, as I said before, Catholicism is as much a part of my family as my name. When I say my whole family is religious, I really mean my whole family. My great aunt has been a Catholic nun for more than 50 years…

It’s just, it didn’t click with me. Religion in general just did not click with me. When I started questioning why I believed in this stuff, I really couldn’t find any reasons why I should stick with this religion thing. I just don’t believe.

I know that religion is an extremely personal thing, and to question one’s deeply held beliefs pretty much constitutes blasphemy. But my point, if there is any to this rant, is that there are times you should really question everything that defines your being. You might find out something about yourself that you didn’t know. I cannot believe in pre destiny, I cannot believe that some higher power controls or guides us in our voyage through life. But, like the poet George Bernard Shaw once wrote, “Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."

Memories...

2008-03-01T21:22:00.000-08:00

So, I’ve been 19 for about a month now. Nothing has really changed. I still feel the same way I did when I was 18. But then again, I didn’t really expect anything to change. No one really does. It’s like that one U2 song says, “nothing changes on new years day…” Those who expect things to change just like that are likely to be fickle, anyway…

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about my past. Nothing really special, it’s just that I’ve been dwelling on a few memories more than the others. Nothing really specific, actually. Basic frames of times, I guess. The memories I’ve been dwelling on? Summers from 3rd grade on…

You see, those summers were really the happiest times of my life, I’m beginning to realize just now. Just an overview of what happened those years: in during the summer of 3rd grade, my family and I had just moved into the house I live in now in East Davis. At the time I really hated that we had moved away from all my friends at the old apartment complex. However, as time moved on, I grew to love the situation I was in. I finally had my own room. Across the way lived a beautiful girl the same age as I (but even then totally out of my league). Behind the house being a large park where I could play on the play structure or just ride my bike around. Still, things never were the same because of the two friends I had left behind at the apartment complex. I would never make friends like them again, or so I thought…

The summer of 4th grade. The first summer I had to go to summer camp. I guess my parents thought it was too much of burden to stay home all summer from their jobs, and they probably got tired of seeing me sitting on my ass all the time at home. So, they sent me off to this summer program the CDC (Child Development Center) my school put on every summer. I pretty much hated this place. It took me forever to make friends there. But, by god, I made friends. They were all younger than I was, mostly, but still, it felt good that I was actually socializing with people of the summer instead of just sitting at home and watching cartoons all day long…

The summer of 5th grade. I split time between the CDC summer program and another little camp called Rainbow Summer, going back and forth between the two for reasons I don’t understand why. There, at Rainbow Summer, you were forced to sit outside most of the freaking time. I was at the Rainbow Summer camp located in Community Park in Davis. I guess for that reason, I grew to love this camp better than the CDC one. Indeed, there was this one time where I was at the CDC camp and we were at our bi-weekly trip to Community pool. Since Rainbow Summer also met by there, it was inevitable that I would see them. Of course, I did, and what followed was one of my favorite memories of summer… Not that I will tell you, hahaha…

The summer of 6th grade. I spent the entire summer at Rainbow Summer. I also spent the entire summer waiting for this one girl who I thought would be there that year, since she was there at times last year (the times I was at CDC instead, go figure). Of course, she never showed up. But I still got to see the friends I had made the past year there once more, and made a few more. I never did see that girl again, until 8th grade, when she transferred to Holmes Junior High for some reason. Wow, looking back, that is a whole hell of a long time ago now…

Ok, so that wasn’t really a short recap of what happened…

Anyway, thinking back on those memories made me realize, I haven’t really changed much since then. I mean, I my tastes have changed a little, friends come and gone, but the feelings have stayed the same. It’s like that Maya Angelou saying, “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” It’s so true, to me at least. I have never forgotten what those times made me feel. They made me feel, well, alive, for lack of a better word. I look back on those times and I weep, I weep because I know that they will never come again. Yet, I also weep because I know that they were the best times of my life up to this point. If I strive to recreate those times, I will fail.

So, what do I do? If I cannot bring back those times, I might as well try to bring back those feelings. Like I said, the situation has changed, but not how I feel. If just for a split second, I could bring those feelings back, I would give the world for it. But I know all I really need to do is live life for what it is. A new time will come when those same feelings will reappear, and I will look back just as I am now and say, “damn.” I can’t pray for it (not that I pray anymore anyway), can’t predict when it will come. But, I will know just as I do now, that there are great times ahead. There will be some bad times too, but how do you know good without the bad?

Am I old? 19 seems a whole hell of a lot older than 18. But, like I said, nothing has really changed. Nothing has changed since I was that 8-year-old boy in 3rd grade. For some reason, I am glad that this is the case. I can look back on that little boy and totally relate to him. Yet, I cannot live in the past. And that is where I am scared. I have been an adult for a whole year now, yet I still think like a child. I guess thinking about your past and analyzing it can be a sign of maturity…

Just to say something final, I will say one thing. There are quite a few things that that little boy never did. One of them being telling that girl how he felt about her. If there is one time good about age, it is that it gives you a little perspective on things. Not that I still have those same feelings for that girl now. I still have those same feelings, just not for her. Yet, I just wonder, what would have happened if I had told her. There is always time to find out…

fuck...

2008-02-20T22:50:00.000-08:00

People who know me might notice one little thing, I swear a lot. Some might attribute this to immaturity, others to perceived rebellion. Whenever I hear myself swear, however, I do not feel anything more than it being a natural part of my speech. Yet, when I hear others swear, I cannot help but feel that they are almost a lower being, someone who isn't to be taken as seriously. This just begs me to ask, what do people think about me when I swear?

I still remember "discovering" swear words as a kid. It was in 2nd grade, during the lunch hour, that I had my first real realization that these words were special. I was using this one certain word, a word that my dad had used countless times, to describe how I felt about the taste of the cafeteria food. My friends around me were also casually using this word as well. The use of this word felt invigorating, freeing, and just overall powerful. The way it rolled off the tongue. The fact that no one else was using this word. It was like discovering chocolate or hamburgers (another story for another time) for the first time. A whole new world opened up to me. Yet, that world came crashing down a few minutes later when another kid, a girl who's name I no longer remember, told on us. Well, on me really. She called over the yard narc and told him that I and my friends have been using swear words. The yard narc was pretty cool about it, surprisingly cool looking back, and only told me to stop using that word, its a bad word.

I don't know how we as a society have reserved this one special place for words that supposedly offend people, to the point their use is forbidden in school yards, formal situations, and television. I could look up the etymology of its use and everything, but I feel that would be an exercise in futility. You see, no one really gives a crap. It's all about what it means now.

If you've ever had any sort of cool English teacher, and got them to talk about swear words, you might find out a whole bunch of interesting facts. First and foremost is that the word "fuck" is the most elastic word in the English language, as in, it can be used as a anything from a pronoun to adjective to, of course, a verb. Just look at the ways in which we use the word "fuck"-

"Fuck you!"

"You're a fucking idiot!"

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"Who's that fucker over there?"

"I hate that Bill O'Reilly fucker."

"I fucked the hell out of that test."

"That test fucked the hell out of me."

So on and so forth...

A whole fuck load of fucks, huh? Of course, most of people are probably aware of this elasticity. Which brings me to my original question: what do people think of me when I swear?

There are times when I swear that I think back to that first time I was caught swearing and told down. I imagine what it would be like listening to myself as I swear. I must sound like an idiot...

So, I don't know if there is really a point to this rant. But, if there is a point to all this, I think it would be that people have got to stop caring about swear words so much. Sure, to have kids running around saying "fuck" and "shit" and "damn" all the time would be horrible, right? Well, to be honest, most kids already know about these words by 2nd grade, if we use my hardly unique experience as any marker...

...

2008-02-17T12:26:00.001-08:00

I need a haircut...

I know my posts are getting really short and uninspired. So, I promise, by the end of the week, there will be a brand new, totally inspired rant about quite a few topics that have been on my mind recently... I promise.

2008-02-10T22:46:00.000-08:00

2008-02-07T20:38:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I just want to yell at certain people...

A Void

2008-01-06T08:48:00.000-08:00

A Void

There was something I had
to do today. Can't remember
anymore. What a pity.
I know it must have
been important; there's a
tie on my finger, a note
on my wall, a message
on my phone...

[untitled]

2007-11-17T20:01:00.000-08:00

In the end, I would really love to know if it was all worth it...

Things I've learned...

2007-09-15T18:36:00.000-07:00

So, next week will be my fourth week of class, which is basically a month. I've noticed quite a few things over these first few weeks. I will sound like I'm whining because, indeed, I am...

Things I've learned in my first month of (community) college-

I am much more conservative than I thought, since I have to deal with annoying hobos everyday and never think twice about not giving them any change and stuff like that...

Mass transit sucks. The buses stink like the hobos who ride it. I'm not saying that only hobos ride it, but yeah, some do. You can't even listen to your iPod without having to basically blast your ear drums out due to the excessive engine noise...

Don't ever sleep on the bus, because when you wake up, there's always some creepy dude sitting next to you...

Every week or so, a creepy dude will sit next to you on the bus even though there are a whole bunch of other completely empty seats. He will then proceed to talk randomly, yet you will only catch some of his disjointed speech through your earphones (since you'll be listening to your iPod). What you do hear will scare to holy hell out of you, since you don't know whether he is talking to you or just into space. You then get off at the closest stop, no matter how far away you are from your destination (unless it happens in West Sac on your way to Davis, then you're just screwed)...

For some reason, everyone seems to smoke on campus. I don't know if it this way everywhere else, but good god. I'm still waiting to see that inevitable event where a professor asks for a light from a student during a break or something...

There are a lot of returning students (i.e. old people) in my classes. However, I find this more cool than anything else, since it makes me feel a little better about myself...

Sacramento has its own distinct smell. Something of a mix of river water and hobo. You have to be here everyday to notice it, however...

West Sac smells even worse, more like just hobo...

There's this hobo who seems to hang around my downtown bus stop. He always asks if I could spare some change for bus fare, yet I have yet to see him ever get on a bus...

Seeing so many hobos make me thankful for everything I have...

Sac City isn't a lot like high school. It is high school, all over again...

Some people from Sacramento don't know where Davis is. Why this surprises me is beyond my comprehension...

There are times when I miss Davis High. They are offset, however, by the times when I wish I could get out of this area...

I am actually seriously considering transferring to Sac State. Why? I don't know...

Seeing people from Davis High, you have to say "hi." It's a rule, whether you knew them or not...

Blasting music when I get home is basically all that keeps me sane...

Cafeteria food is really good...

My film teacher says "um" so much it's driving insane...

Flirting with Sac State girls then saying you're from SCC is a real deal killer...

The SCC mascot is the Panthers. The unofficial mascot is the Black Panthers (not my thoughts, just something really funny if a little racist I heard)...

Study groups would be a good idea, if you actually had to anything to study (which I don't, yet)...

The Davis center feels like a doctors office. A doctors office where you happen to see a whole lot of people you know...

SCC isn't that bad after all. It's quite a cool place, actually. The diversity is almost like snapshot of the "real" world. There's not too much to rag on SCC. The education is ok. And, after all, the textbooks actually cost more than the tuition...

So yeah, that's basically it for now. I can't wait for class on Monday...

Better Luck Tomorrow

2007-09-01T23:43:00.000-07:00

So ends my first week of being a college student. I don't know if it is because of the school I am attending or my state of mind, but I still feel as if though I am still in high school. There are the clique's of friends who stand around in the quad, smoking and blabbing on about pointlessness and whatever. The fact that they are smoking being the main difference between this place and high school.

I guess it will take me awhile, hopefully not as long awhile as it did in high school, to form a close clique of friends.Because that's what it is really about. The relationships you make here. Sure, your high school friends will always have that sort of luster that comes with the memories of a simpler time. But, I hope, the friends you make here have that one thing in common that binds you together in ways you cannot comprehend. Unlike in high school, where you could pretty much plan on seeing the same people somewhere throughout the day, here, you have to physically make time to see your friend. Everyone's class schedule is different, which makes friends you have in the exact same class all the more special.

Sure, this is only community college. But I guess I am viewing this as sort of a dress rehersal for the real thing, if this is not the real thing already. At the moment, I am questioning my earlier declaration to get out of there as soon as possible. Thursday, for the first time this week, the campus almost felt like home. I forgot the fact that I have to bus for about an hour and a half just to get there. I forgot that this was a place I once considered a last resort. I was just in the moment.

-Cecilio

Three more days...

2007-08-24T11:45:00.000-07:00

...until classes start. Oh boy. I am already going insane with anticipation, fear, and a whole bunch of emotions I have no words for. Looking back on my pathetically short summer, I am saddened by the amount of time wasted. Sure, I managed to get two jobs towards the end, but there were those two wasted months before. No direction, no purpose: the problem I have with summer vacation. Well, there are still two more days left and (in pathetic teen movie declaration mode) I will make the best of it, even though I have to work from 8-2 in the morning on Saturday night and 8-12 in the morning on Sunday night...

...

2007-08-20T22:48:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow will be better,
but tonight, I will cry.
Among the sea of memories,
I will drift, on my back,
eyes to the stars, still
firmly entrenched in the past.

Good night, and good luck

2007-08-18T21:48:00.000-07:00

I knew this was coming. Something I have been avoiding thinking about since graduation. When my friends begin their departure from this town onto bigger and better things. When I could no longer call my best friend to see if he can come over and play for a little while... Oh, how I never grow up.

So, my school starts up in about a week, which means I can no longer dwell on these things I am thinking about right now. But, for the moment, I am in a daze, remembering the times I had we some of these great people who are leaving. I just hope that they come back sometime, just to say hi...

-Cecilio

The Ping Pong Song

2007-08-15T00:45:00.000-07:00

Okay, so basically I've been singing this song out loud every time it plays on the radio. It's a guilty pleasure of my, and quite catchy. It's known as the "Do You Know (The Ping Pong Song)" in english.

Enrique Iglesias
"Dímelo"

Dímelo
Tú dímelo
Dímelo

¿Dímelo por que estas fuera de mi?
Y al mismo tiempo estas muy dentro
Dímelo sin hablar y hazme sentir todo lo que yo ya siento

Después yo te veo y tú me miras
Y Vamos a comernos nuestra vida
Yo no voy a conformarme inventándote
Siempre ha sido así
Por que yo no puedo despegarme de ti
Cuanto más quiero escaparme más me quedo
Mirándote a los ojos sin respirar
Esperando un solo gesto para empezar

¿Dímelo por que estas fuera de mí?
Y al mismo tiempo estas muy dentro
Dímelo sin hablar y hazme sentir todo lo que yo ya siento

Dímelo suave
Dímelo fuerte
Dímelo fuerte
Dímelo suave
Dímelo por fin de una vez

Me gusta de ti lo mucho que me gustas

Y que poco me perdono dentro de mí
No tenemos nada que perder
Y tenemos demasiado que vivir

Dímelo

Si yo no quiero o lo quiero dímelo y después olvídate de todo

Quiero

Las buenas nuevas siempre son así
Y las malas que se alejen de mi

¿Dímelo por que estas fuera de mí?
Y al mismo tiempo estas muy dentro
Dímelo sin hablar y hazme sentir todo lo que yo ya siento

Se repite coro

Dimelo, Dimelo, Dimelo

Se repite coro 2 veces

Dime que siii, Dime que siii, Dime que siii

Dimelo, Dimelo, Dimelo
Dimelo, Dimelo, Dimelo

why I will never drink...

2007-08-14T22:16:00.000-07:00

So, these past few weeks have been quite interesting and formative. I've started working at two different jobs, friends are beginning to leave (possibly forever), and school is approaching faster with each passing day. Most people would use these reasons as an excuse to party harder and think less about the consequences of their actions because their freedom until next summer is coming to a close. Well, not me.

Sure, I would love to hang out at least once with every person who is leaving this town. Even people I never really knew. But yeah, not really.

Anyway, what does this have to do with drinking? Well, I know that people think alcohol is necessary to heighten the experience of hanging out and all that bullshit. I also know that some people think that they need alcohol to calm down after a hectic or stressful day. I also know that even though they wont admit it, they are forced to drink because of the people around them. Well, I would like to think that I am the opposite of that.

You see, the people around me that do drink have forced me into the conclusion that I will never try to drink in my life, ever. Period. I don't think that I need alcohol to get along with people. I know I don't need it, in fact. I've heard the nonsensical ramblings of the drunkard, and would never want to be that pathetically wasted.

It's not that I'm some right wing crazy who thinks drinking should be banned. It's just my personal opinion that my life will be better if I never drink, ever. I know I've told some people that I have taken a few sips of different brews, but in reality, I was lying. I have never drank anything. It just shows you how the pressures of trying to fit in forced me to lie just so people would think that I was cool with it. That I knew what is going on. That I can fit in. What a load of crap.

Anyway, I know that over the course of my life, it will be difficult to live up to this declaration. I just hope that because I actually wrote it down, I can look back on the resolve I had at this very moment and maybe, in my moments of weakness, gain some sort of perspective. Good night, and good luck.

-Cecilio

almost...there...

2007-08-13T21:38:00.000-07:00

The rough draft is almost done. I'll be starting the second draft tomorrow. Everything is coming together. The time for glory is now. Hah...

why are you reading this?

2007-08-11T20:49:00.000-07:00

Wow, I never thought I could be this tired... Anyway, today was my first day of a whole day of work. Yeah. Wonderful. Two jobs. Am I crazy. Probably. Holy crap. 8am-5:30pm. Good grief. I just hope I get a fat ass paycheck at the end of the month...

update

2007-08-08T22:31:00.000-07:00

35 pages and counting on my script/screenplay/novella/story on Davis. I'm finally starting on the final scenes. It's all in my head, I just need to write it down... I can see the light...

-Cecilio

to clear things up...

2007-08-08T20:44:00.000-07:00

I'm not actually a Giants fan. I'm not really a Barry Bonds fan. In fact, I've pretty much hated Bonds all my life. My dad is the Giants fan, I'm the Oakland A's fan. However, I do believe that in this country, men are innocent until proven guilty. And until it is proven, not just conjectured, that Bonds used steroids, he will remain the home run king. His accomplishment last night was indeed a monumental moment in baseball history, and will remain so forever, or until someone breaks Bonds' record. Just my thoughts...

-Cecilio

Barry Bonds...

2007-08-07T21:03:00.000-07:00

...is now the all time home run king. The sole holder of the most hallowed record in sports today. 756. He stands all alone at the top. Whether or not you are a fan of him, his accomplishment is undeniably a momentous day.

one more thing...

2007-08-07T19:29:00.000-07:00

I hate getting shots... They always seem to hurt more than they should >.<

O Green World...

2007-08-07T16:42:00.000-07:00

This post will deal with the strange phenomena known as "love." More specifically, the kiss kiss bang bang type. Yeah...

In my limited experience in love, I've managed to learn quite a few things, I think. One, you will never know you are truly in love until you fall out of it. Two, everyone in love is stupid. Why? Because to be that open with someone can only lead to the worst heartache one has ever felt before. The more you let them in, the deeper they entrench in the makeup of your soul, and the more they will rip out when they leave.

Of course, I would have to ask, why would someone set themselves up for something as foolish as love? Why waste your precious time searching for something that you know will more than likely hurt you later on? I haven't really found any reasonable answers, but something I do know is that I want to be that foolish. I guess it's human nature or some crap like that, but I want to experience that.

It's the mistakes we make that define us. Sure, we can learn from others experiences and stories, but our own experiences are unique, especially in our own eyes. That is why, I think, we always think our love is special. "Our love is special!" Because it is, and is not. It is because of how personal our feelings are. It is not because there will always be someone who shares those same feelings. Who is willing to set themselves up for that potential heartache.

We will search for that person, far and wide, when really, that person may be right here, across the room, the other side of the phone, stuff like that. Of course, only the lucky sometimes find that person right under their nose. Unfortunately, most of the lucky are also stupid, and the whole fucking cycle repeats itself...

-Cecilio

summer weekends

2007-08-05T21:43:00.000-07:00

Nothing ever gets done... Well, nothing too important.

I wish I could remember my dreams longer than the 2 minutes after I wake up...

-Cecilio

Politics...

2007-08-04T15:24:00.000-07:00

So, I am a registered Democrat now. Not that I like them any better than Republicans... Anyway, the only reason I registered as a Democrat was to be able to vote for BARACK OBAMA in the primaries. Not that he's any different than any of the other candidates right now, other than his skin color. It's just that, I think he has the potential to be a good president. Nothing really special, not yet. You know, he's been saying the same shit, it's just from a different asshole. He needs to do something, take a stand, make a statement, something that separates him from the pack. Just my thinking...

Holy crap

2007-08-02T21:50:00.000-07:00

It's already August, which of course means (junior) college starts on the 27th. Only three weeks of summer left. I am torn, since I want to start school and begin a new experience, but I also don't want things to change. How pathetic...

Fire Coming Out Of The Monkey's Head

2007-08-01T00:06:00.000-07:00

Little images that inspire as well as disturb you. Inspire because of the imagery. Disturb because you are actually thinking about it...

I am in need of some inspiration right now. Not any spiritual awakening, just something to prove that there is hope for humanity...

-Cecilio

Update

2007-07-31T00:01:00.000-07:00

I am now almost halfway done with the rough draft for my Requiem for Davis. I am almost finished with the second act, with only 2 more acts to go. Of course, the hardest parts are still ahead of me, with the editing and rewriting of the entire thing later, and not to mention the parts I haven't written yet... Oh god. But still, it feels good to be able to write down my ideas in a semi-sensical fashion. I love watching how the characters are growing a little bit each time. There is actual direction in this, I think. I even have come up with something of a real title for this piece, "Awkward Silence." Hmm, cliché? Maybe, but it fits well to me...

18 pages and counting.

I just got to keep on writing and not give up.

Stay inspired.

-Cecilio

Round up...

2007-07-30T20:31:00.000-07:00

R.I.P. Bill "The Genius" Walsh. You will be missed by the 49er faithful, as well as the rest of the league. You are the father of the modern game. Nothing can compare to your vast legacy, in the minds of the fans and NFL history...

1931-2007

Walking...

2007-07-28T20:32:00.001-07:00

Oh, how I love walking about two miles in 100 degree summer heat in tight heavy clothes and big clunky shoes. It just makes my day...

Why was I doing that? Well, it all has to do with my resolve never to attend another church service again. I am willing lose about 10 pounds walking home rather than listen another pathetic empty sermon. This is my faith now, a faith in myself and humanity, not in my mother's god.

My feet do hurt like fucking crazy right now, though. But, I do not regret my decision, not yet.

Oh, and if there is a god, why would he create such a disease that destroys the very thing that makes us human, that defines who we are? I am talking about Alzheimer’s disease, which is afflicting my beloved grandmother. The doesn't recognize too many people anymore, including me. This deeply saddens me, because I hold very fond memories of her. I can't really say much more, since I am at a loss for words...

-Cecilio

Take me out...

2007-07-26T20:32:00.000-07:00

I love watching baseball in the summer. Whether it is curling up in front of the TV to watch an evening game or venturing out to McAfee Colosseum on the weekends. Nothing beats baseball, in my opinion. It is still the great American pastime, no matter how big football and basketball get. Of course, during those two months when the baseball and football seasons overlap, if I have to choose between an A's game and 49ers one, there will be no contest. The Niners one for sure. Unless it is a playoff game.

However, to back up my statement that baseball is still the great American pastime, I can only say that baseball is the most accessible and universal sport. Everyone has played a in baseball game. Those who haven't are really missing out. Anyone who says baseball is boring to watch just doesn't know what to watch for. Baseball is the ultimate numbers game. Statistics exist for almost every conceivable thing they do on the base paths. Baseball at the major levels is also one of the most technical sports out there. The fine tuning involved in every pitch and every swing looks so smooth as to look easy, but there is so much going on behind all that. And yeah, whatever.

I guess I am writing this because my team is slowly surging right now. They are coming out of a horrible streak of losses that would make fans of other teams say that the season is a loss. But these are the A's. The constant overachievers.

Oh, and I start training for my first job in 2 years on Monday. Yippie. Although that means when I do start my job, I will have less time to watch baseball. Damn.

God I am tired...

-Cecilio

Somewhere over the rainbow

2007-07-25T12:43:00.001-07:00

"Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?"

I've been singing this song all week, annoying the hell out of people. Unlike Dorothy, however, I am searching for a home, rather than wishing I could go back. The home I have come to know all too well holds way too many memories for me to stay much longer. I fear for my sanity, as well as my future. My friends will soon be leaving, for college, work, and whatever. Me and a handful of people will be left behind, nursing those memories that staying here will bring. One by one, the ones who remain will dwindle, fleeing this place. This town. This hell. Is this place I live in home?

-Cecilio

The first burned bridge...

2007-07-24T19:59:00.000-07:00

So, in my pathetic type of rebellion, I decided that I will no longer attend church. I've been going to church (the good old Catholic kind) since I was a born. I was baptized as soon as my parents could book an appointment. I went through all of the sacraments, all of the religious education, and yet their brainwashing couldn't penetrate my mind (disturbing choice of words, noting recent events of the church...). Indeed, they do try to brainwash you as a child...

Here is the type of brainwashing they instill on you- One of the first things you learn in religious ed is a few very catchy songs, songs that I could still sing word for word today. As a child, they distill the more disturbing parts of the Bible to little cartoons and omit some other parts all together. During the reading of the Gospel, the religious ed leaders gather all the kids from the church, taking them from their families, into this room in the school where the leaders recite the Gospel and then discuss it. Of course, they call this active participation in the word of God.

However, through all of this and among other things, I managed to form a much more critical opinion of the church. I cannot pinpoint the exact time when I began to question what I was learning every Sunday, but I know it must have happened when I began reading a larger breadth of books, which was around 5th grade or something like that. Why would reading different books distance me so much from the Bible? Lord if I knew... But one thing I do know is that the universal truths the Bible parades around in its allegorical fashion can be learned from other sources, especially in this day and age.

And this brings me to the reason why I decided to never attend church voluntarily again. Attending a Catholic mass in my area now, one would love to scream out loud "preaching to the choir" throughout the mass. Why? Well, it seemed that every single mass I've attended seemed like ever other mass. The only difference being the normal rotation of the priests who spit this bullshit. Well, not all of it is bullshit, but most of it is.

Indeed, I did not really have a problem from the priests. Well, I did not have a problem with the main priests, some others I just hated for their holier than thou attitude. Ironic? Yes. Anyway, I hated church because of all the jackasses that attended it. Barely any of the these people practiced what they preached. For example, my own parents. They listened to all this preaching of love and peace, but when they came home, they always talked about how they hated their neighbors and their animosity towards the people they feel have wronged them over the years. Excuse me? But isn't one of the main teachings of the Bible is forgiveness?

Yet, it wasn't just the jackasses (and yes, I just implied that my parents are jackasses). It was the climate of the times. From the issues with gay marriage, the ongoing and pointless evolution debate, and the wars in the Middle East and elsewhere that seem only to be fueled by religion, I just couldn't bring myself to identify with religion. People use religion for things it shouldn't be used for and was never intended for use in the first place. I've formed a more objective view of religion in the past few years, from which I concluded that people created religion, created their own gods, in order to bring peace and a sense of security in this scary world. I believe there have been times where religion had it's place; the early days of man up to the Civil Rights movement of the 1960's. But, increasingly, people have been using religion as more of a crutch to uphold their believes that may or may not be a part of the beliefs of the religion in the first place.

But what the hell do I know. The only thing I'm sure of is that I've decided that I can no longer attend mass with my family. Indeed, I do think I got some good things out of my experience with my church, but most of the things have nothing to do with the belief in God. The things being; presents on Christmas for celebrating the birth of Christ, talking it up with really hot Catholic girls (it's not a stereotype, seriously), and the courage to ask questions. Of course, the courage I gained eventually led me away from the church.

-Cecilio

Raspberry Beret

2007-07-16T13:25:00.000-07:00

I think I love her...

Requiem (for Davis)

2007-07-11T23:28:00.000-07:00

More specifically, it's a requiem for people leaving Davis.

It's a new project I am working on at the moment, originally conceived from my experience in making another movie kinda like it during school and from other ideas floating around in my head. It basically encompasses all of my experiences, thoughts, and other stuff I've gained from living in Davis, in an attempt to make people appreciate this place I am glad to call home. I am hoping to organize it enough to make it into a movie (amateur, of course), but so far it is only a 7 page short story that is still incomplete. When I actually finish writing it, then I'll see if it is strong enough to be made into some sort of coherent movie. If I do try to make it, I will need a lot of help...

-Cecilio

Someone

2007-06-29T00:24:00.000-07:00

Nothing seems to change. I have always been this person who doesn't know his own personality. Basically, I just created a personality from the perception, or what I thought their perception was, of the people around me. I have strived to break that mold I had created, but by the time I got where I was almost happy with myself, high school ended. I have to start all over again...

I will always be this person who chases the absolutely unreachable. There is always a something in my life that tortures me day and night. Something I dream about, something that I know I will only be able to dream about. Someone, rather...

Yeah, maybe when I start college next fall, something might be different. But of course, not everything thing will change. Yeah, I'm tired... time to go to bed.

-Cecilio

Pompous Circumstance (artifacts) [the aftermath of graduation]

2007-06-18T11:48:00.000-07:00

if you actually read this, I love you.

Pompous Circumstance (artifacts)

It's funny how we collect things. Inanimate objects that clutters our rooms. Things that obviously represent something more important or hold some sort of special meaning. Do we collect these things because we fear about forgetting if we don't have a physical thing that connects us to our past? Or do we just want something to prove that we were there, that our memories do not betray us? I ask myself this every time I look at the little artifacts that litter my room.

I can name each of the meanings of all the little artifacts in my room, off the top of my head, after looking at them a little, maybe. There are the little porcelain chickens that I used to play with at my grandfather's house. The plush blue bunny that was, and still is, my favorite toy my grandmother gave to me probably when I was two or something. The scratched vinyl records my aunt gave me one time, since she had no use for them anymore. The Legos I used to play with, some of my creations still intact. The trophy I won for coming in 6th place at a chess tournament in Sacramento, my only trophy. My yearbooks, each one with a little more signatures in them, with my 6th and 7th grade ones completely devoid of notes.

The newest of these artifacts being my graduation tassel.

It just hangs there, a new ornament on my shelf.

Funny thing about it, it is not the actual tassel I was wearing. I lost the real one, one with a Blue Devil instead of a big '07. Something I thought was kinda cute, and kinda unique. Lost in the fray as I hugged and congratulated my former classmates on Toomey Field that hot Friday night.
This thing that hangs from my shelf is actually the one I had stuffed in my pocket during the ceremony. The extra, the replacement. If I were any sort of Catholic, I would say that it wasn't the blessed one. It wasn't the one that I switched from left to right (which I did, like an idiot, a little to early in the ceremony…). It wasn't the one I cherished for being unique.

Sure, there is my forthcoming diploma to validate all my hard work over the past four years. But this pathetic, inanimate tassel will always represent those things I so cherish, and despise about my high school experience. Because those few days, the last day of school, the day of graduation, and that grad night party, completely encapsulated my experience.

There was the last day of school, where I only had one class. Extremely anti-climactic, being that it was my easiest final and most boring class. I bull shitted most of the final, not really thinking about the questions. Much like the way I bull shitted most of my tests throughout the years. I can hardly remember studying for any test. If it was an easy test, I reasoned it was too easy to study for. If it was a hard test, I reasoned that I would fail anyway even if I studied. The slackers way out.

The day of graduation reminded me of how much I actually liked high school. Mainly for the relationships I formed. The people I got to know. It felt good to know who about half the people who walked up to receive their diploma. Of course, it was also saddening that I didn't get to know those people any better. I know them to the point I will remember them, but I wonder if we'll recognize each other ten or twenty years from now…

Then there was grad night. Bouncing back and forth between three groups of friends. Groups of friends that wouldn't mix too well. I went in there with a plan. This was the last time I would probably see most of these people. I had to tell some people things. I had to let them know. But, like usual, I froze, and fell back on my oldest crutch, my shyness. Ever since I was in kindergarten, I can remember the fear of speaking up. I still feel this fear at times, and grad night was one of those times. It is like this pain in the back of my mouth. I would equate it to choking up when you cry, but I can't remember the last time I cried… Sure, I can control it, but it takes the conviction that the conditions are just right, that the scenarios in my mind will play out like I had thought. I guess that this night things weren't playing out right. I guess I can be happy that I didn't make a fool out of myself for saying something that I'll regret later. But there will always be that thought of what if, what if I told that person that one thing I've been waiting to tell them since I can remember. I had told someone this before, with disastrous results, which probably explains why I was hesitant. I could still tell them, but I of course missed a golden opportunity that night, like I always do. Always do things at the last minute, always let things pass me by…

That is what I'll always think about when I look at that inanimate tassel. It is unfortunate that I have so many bad memories of high school that they completely obscure the good memories. There are good memories. Always. I try to remember them. Memories that let me sleep at night knowing that things that couldn't have gone better. They are the same artifacts.

I know that I can't change things that happened in the past, and that I must change things now for the future. But it is just so hard to let go of the past. That is why I cherish these inanimate, lifeless, and overall useless objects.

Just vague enough to be universal...

2007-05-27T14:15:00.000-07:00

This College Thing... Part 3 of 3

Just vague enough to be universal...

Things are getting a little too real. Graduation is only a few weeks away. I hold in my hands the cap and gown I will wear on that day. I can see the smiling faces of crowd as I turn to look them over, sitting in the old, fading bleachers at Toomey Field. I can see myself, the morning after grad night, walking into a world exactly the same as I left it, only missing most of the people I've grown so accustomed to seeing on a daily basis, and not just friends…

Just because…

I can consider myself a failure, just because I didn't get into the college of my choice. Not like I could have paid for it reasonably anyway, but still… As the rejection letters piled up, so did my anxiety. Sure, I got accepted at UCSC, but upon visiting that hallowed establishment which was the only UC to accept me, I decided this was not the place for me. So between UCSC, SFSU, and SCC, I chose SCC. Why? I don't really know. It could be because many people I know are going there. Or maybe because it is oh so much cheaper. It could be because it is much closer to home. It could be because I just wanted to answer without a doubt those prodding questions of "so, where are you going to college next year?" Anyway, it's all the same.

Back home…

I've already planned the last day of school. One class, my most boring. Physics. I get the car on that day, just to go to school for one class. Two hours, say some good-byes, then I'm done. I'll probably take a little stroll around campus just one more time, for old time sakes. Visit the table I've eaten at for the past three years. Walk by one of my favorite classes, even if the teacher doesn't even teach there anymore. Sit beneath a tree in the quad and watch the entire school go by. Maybe, hopefully, someone comes along with me, but that's a long shot. I'll get in the car, drive off, blasting my traditional song signaling the end of another school year, "Beautiful Day" by U2.

Philosophizing…

I always hear, where there's an end there's a new beginning. What the hell is that supposed to mean anyway? The past year, I've been getting to thinking that things never end. You will always feel those feelings whenever you see that one girl you've been crushing on ever since you can remember. You'll always long for the days when right after lunch you got play basketball on the blacktop. We'll hold these memories forever, and that is why this never ends. We live for recapturing that moment, maybe somewhere else, maybe right here. We will begin again, but there aren't new feelings, just vestigial emotions from the shit we had to go through last time.

…and the band played on…

I don't get emotional. It's not my thing. But if a tear manages to crease my cheek, don't take it as a sign of the apocalypse. I'll be ok, I hope.

To quote a song from that same U2 album, "It's all that you can't leave behind…"

How To Save A Life...

2007-03-09T18:27:00.000-08:00

So in about two hours, I will be off to Bogus Ball, the most pointless and pathetic excuse for a spring dance my school has to offer. I was seriously not contemplating going, and certain circumstances made my decision even harder. Yet, I reasoned that since this is the last Bogus Ball I'll ever attend, mainly because I am a senior now, I might as well go. To hell with getting a date and all that other crap, I'm just going to go and find the other dateless wonders and have fun...

Now that is the type of attitude that scares me. It's that vain, careless, see-what-happens type of attitude that scares me. This is probably why I am extremely anti social at times, but whatever. I just can't stand going somewhere without some sort of plan, some sort of reason. I always seem to think something over and over again in my mind, until every single possibility has played itself out.

But, for some odd reason, that plan always backfires. I just need to look back on all the failures in the past month, past years, to see how much that pathetic crutch has failed. Why, just last month, just to give meaning to the last innocent Valentines Day, I gave someone I thought wouldn't hurt me in the end a bouquet of flowers, you know, just to show her I care. For few hours after school when I returned home, the world felt right once again. For the first time since elementary, I felt completely hopeful and sure of myself. Yet, after I awoke from my afternoon nap, my cell phone rang, and it was her on the other line. You know what happens when you receive a call from someone you weren't expecting. To say the least, that innocent little infatuation with that girl ended right there. Of course, like I always do, I don't take "no" for an answer, and succeeded in completely alienating her from my life.

I managed to gather my thoughts for a little bit after that, and write something that was eventually published in the Sacramento Bee. Here it is-

"The Aftermath of Valentines Day
By Cecilio Padilla

How do you tell someone they're the reason you wake, that you haul your butt to school at 7:45 in morning every day, just for the momentary pleasantry you share as you cross paths in the hall? You can't, but I tried.

I tried and failed.

If it weren't for Valentines Day, I would have never had the courage to even try. It has that morphine-like effect on you, numbing you to reason.

The somber realization hits in the subsequent days. When you pay in sleepless nights and forgetful days for that one gesture, that one day.

It can be roses, candy, or overstuffed bears, but it always taken the same way. What was once an innocent little friendship morphs into a dangerous delusion. You find yourself waiting for that one call that, deep down, you know will never come.

Apologies always fail because they are never whole hearted. Rather, they are vain attempts to restore the status quo, the way things used to be.

Finally, days, weeks, months later, that one devastating and awkward talk comes.

I only wanted to do more than just say 'hello.' Never wanted anything more than a friend. But I guess that is the aftermath of Valentines Day."

Pathetic? Oh yeah... As if I needed to alienate and make her even more uncomfortable...

That is the word of the year, "uncomfortable." No matter what I try to do, I always seem to be uncomfortable. When I try to make myself comfortable, I only manage to make others uncomfortable. Goddammit.

There is also this one thing that has been gnawing at me since high school began. I hate my friends. Each and every one of them. I have almost nothing in common with them. Yet, I have almost nothing in common with anyone. Sure, they are some nice people but, as I've learned time and time again, nice guys finish last. It is those jerks at the top of the food chain that I wish I could be a part of. Yet, I know deep down that I would have found a way to hate them too. Once again, it goes back to that word "uncomfortable." Goddammit.

___________________________________________________________________

There is surely an image I have to keep up about myself. I've been doing some serious soul searching over the past months, considering what have I done, what haven't I done, what were my mistakes, what did I do right, all that crap. I've realized that I've done little right. I've fucked up my grades, I've fucked up my relationships with everyone who matters, and I've fucked up my body. I could have studied instead of sit on my ass, watch reruns of South Park, and wolf down potato chips. But no, I would rather take the lower grade and reason that "it won't hurt my grade too much, I'll still pass..."

Now I have to face the consequences of my actions. To be honest, I don't think I'm going to get into any sort of good college. I've been accepted to SFSU, but the only thing needed to get in there is to pay the price of submitting your application. There is no way in hell I'm getting into USC, UCLA, or even UCSD. I might have a chance at UCSC and my hometown college, UCD, but they are still long shots after what my first semester senior grades look like. Goddammit.

Then there is the ultimate consequence. I fear that I will be alone. Alone for when the world slowly engulfs me and the perfect little universe I live in now collapses in on itself. I fear that no one will ever truly like me for me. I am such an asshole. I put up so many barriers around myself that I fear the real me has been forever lost somewhere inside, or it just suffocated on self importance.

Well, the only solace is that there is still basically half a year left to make some things right. I know I cannot make everything right, but I can at least begin where I left off somewhere in 7th grade. I can begin to start my life once again.

bombs away (inbetween days...)

2006-12-02T15:21:00.000-08:00

This college thing... Part 2 of the 3 part series >.<

bombs away (in between days...)

Uncertaincy is all I can feel at the moment. As I was filling out the UC college applications, I found it funny how your whole life can be summarized by just a few clicks of a mouse and keyboard, or at least that's what the UC expects. I really don't know, and don't care. All I am sure of at the moment reading over all my accomplishments, my "extracurricular activities," my classes, is how pathetically small I feel. I guess I should be glad that the hardest part is over (or so I am told) and all that is left is being accepted. Never mind that graduation part in between, lets just say, the end of your old life and beginning of your new life. That is, of course, the life you are destined to lead. How cliche...

Election night

2006-11-07T22:40:00.000-08:00

Oh, if there is nothing more helplessly addicting than watching the early returns from election issues, I haven't found it. I am actually finding myself watching MSNBC and all the other cable news networks, just to see what they say (haha, FOX news).

So far, it looks as though the GOP will retain control of the senate, but there's a completely different story in the House. All I have to say about the results of that is "damn."

Quite frankly, after watching those horrible attack ads running every time I tried watching my favorite shows, I'm glad it wasn't yet my time to vote. I mean, to choose between the lesser of two evils, like Arnold the Governator and Angelides the jackass, would just make me cringe at the state of American politics. Oh, won't it be fun the first time I am able to vote in the 2008 election for a new president. I can't wait...

Oh, by the way, did you hear Britney is filing for divorce from K-Fed? All I have to say about that is "uhh, okay..." Maybe Britney is separating from Mr. Spears because his career is slowly starting to eclipse his. He had that little flirtation in the WWE on Sunday when he interfered cost WWE champion John Cena his match. Then on Monday, Cena accepted K-Fed's challenge to face him at some future pay-per-view event. Ha, well, at least K-Fed has some sort of job. I mean, when was the last time Britney did anything of note? I'm not saying, I'm just saying...

things fall apart (the first week of school)...

2006-09-03T21:44:00.000-07:00

I don't think I've ever felt as drained as I do now. Only the first week of school, and I already feel ready to give up. I can't explain why, but each year it seems that it takes me longer to get into the rhythm of waking up, hauling my ass to school, sitting through boring classes that I don't know why I signed up for in the first place, and finally getting home to do some studying until I my face falls in my book. Each year I procrastinate more, despite the fact that I tell myself over and over again that this year I will get stuff done on time. Each year, the same stupid routine, each year, the same tired act...

I know I've bragged to some of you guys that I was going to take 7 periods this year. Well, I think it was some sort of sign when I actually got 6 periods instead, a sign that it is finally time to lay off, or just to give up. Hell, I might even another class sometime this week...

Graduation, something that seemed so far off just 3 years ago, now is only 9 months away. I can't wait until liberating day in June. Of course, I've been told many many times that senior year goes by quick, and that the final act has only just begun. I just wish the curtain would fall right now.

-Cecilio ^_^v

Of Days Long Ago..

2006-07-21T20:59:00.000-07:00

"Anybody under the age of 13 should not read this, and if you do, you should not repost this.Just because you were born in '97 doesn't mean you're a 90's kid.It's not like you could remember the original Simpsons. I am sorry but three conscious years of the 90's just wont cut it.You're a 90's kid if:You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE"You remember TGIF on ABC. Step by Step, Family Matters, Dinosaurs, and Boy Meets World."Miss Susie had a steam boat, the steam boat had a bell ding ding..miss suzie went to heaven the steamboat went to hell_o operator please give me number 9 and if you disnconnect me i'll chop off your behind the fridgerator, there was a piece of glass, miss suzie sat upon it and broke her little ass_k me no more questions, i'll tell you no more lies the boys are in the bathroom zipping up their flies, are in the meadows the bees are in the park .......................... miss suzie and her boyfriend are kissing in the D-A-R-K- D-A-R-K dark dark dark is like a movie, movies like a show, show is like a radio and that is all i know. i know i know my ma and i know i know my pa, i know i know my sister with the 40 acre bra. i know i know my dog and i know i know my cat, i never knew my brother was so FAT FAT FAT."You remember when Kurt Cobain, 2Pac, River Phoenix, and Selena died.You remember when it was actually worth getting up earlyon a Saturday to watch cartoons.You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.You remember reading "Goosebumps"You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.You danced to "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls, Females: had a new motto, Males: got a whole lot gay-er.you remeber when slap bracelets came out and everyone had oneYou remember the banning of slap bracelets.You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence...Not...You used to listen to the radio all day long just to record "Your FAVORITE song of ALL time"Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? was both a game and a TV show.Captain Planet.You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the green Ranger were meant to be together.A nd if you were a gilr you alwayz said you were the pink power ranger when the show first came on.When playing power rangers with friends you fought over who got to be who............and still all ended up being Tommy.You remember when super nintendo's became popular.You always wanted to send in a tape to America's Funniest Home Videos... but never taped anything funny.You remember watching home alone 1, 2 , and 3........and tried to pull the pranks on "intruders"the original nintendo was still "the shit"When you have played and beaten mario brothers/duck hunt.You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skatesif you memeber when every thing was "da BOMB"when they made the new lunchables so that you could make tacos and pizza!!"Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack, all dressed in black, black, black, with silver buttons, buttons, buttons, all down her back, back, back" SHE ASKED HER MOTHER MOTHER MOTHER FOR FIFTY CENTS CENTS CENTS TO SEE THE ELEPHANTS PHANTS PHANTS JUMP OVER THE FENCE THE FENCE THE FENCEhe jumped so high high high he touched the sky sky sky and he didnt come back back back til the forth of july ly ly he jumped so low ow ow he stubbed his toe toe toe and thats the end end end of the elephants show show showYou remember boom boxes vs. cd playersWriting M.A.S.H. notes. (and the twenty different versions of that)Making those little paper fortune things.. and then predicting your life with them...even tho u always cheating by counting wrong.You remember New Kids on The Block when they were coolAnd You Were Obsessed with either 'Nsync or Backstreet Boys. But never NEVER both...You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell"You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet or Nano and brought it everywhereYou haven't always had a computer, and it was cool to have the internet.You watched the original Care Bears, My Little Pony, and Ninja Turtles.Yikes pencils and erasers were the stuff!All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand.(pencils.notebooks.binders.etc.)You remember when the new Beanie Babies and talking Elmo were always sold out.You collected those Beanie Babies.You used to wear those stick on earings, not only on your ears, but at the corners of your eyes.You remember when Pokemon was cool ('96 to '98 or so)You remember when Animaniacs, Pinky & The Brain, Histeria!, Detention, Max Steel, Batman/Superman, Sylvester & Tweety Mysteries, The Zeta Project, Men in Black (cartoon), Generation O, and X-Men were on kidsWB.You remember a time before the WB.You owned a portable tape player.If you even know what an original walkman is.You remember wanting to sit on the orange Nickelodeon couch.You watched Rugrats (BEFORE All Grown Up), Hey Arnold, doug funny, care bears, yogi the bear, hey raco, the jetsons, looney tunes!, ren and stimpy, Pete & Pete, The Adventures of Alex Mack, Allen Strange and Sheby Woo.barnie was still cool and u knew every song on all of his movies and showsAnimorphs.You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"You know the Macarena by heart."Talk to the hand" ... enough saidYou always said, "Then why don't you marry it!"You went to McD's to play in the playplace.You remember playing on merry go rounds...at the play ground.You remember dreaming to be on a Nickelodeon game show: Double Dare, Nick Arcade, GUTS, Legends of the Hidden Temple, Fun House, Figure It Out...and you wanted that green ooze to fall on youRemember and You Cant Do That On Television where getting slimed first started!"Who Loves Orange Soda? Kel Loves Orange Soda.. Yes I doo I doo I doooo00000000000" was the best phrase everWhen we were younger:Before the MySpace frenzy...Before the Internet & text messaging...Before Sidekicks & iPods...Before MIKE JONES...Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX......Back when you put off the 5 hours of homework you had every night.When light up sneakers were cool.When you bought EVERYTHING at Limited TooWhen you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.When gas was $0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was a new thing.When we recorded stuff on VCRs & paid $3.50 for a movie.When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off our walkmans.When 2Pac and Biggie where alive.WHEN THE CHICAGO BULLS WERE THE BEST TEAM EVER!!Way back.when it was all about N64.Before we realized all this would eventually disappearWho would have thought you'd miss the 90's so much!!!!!Post this in your bulletin if you remember these days ....If you grew up in the 90's you've gotta read this."

This was a bulletin going around on myspace. There's nothing really special about it, that is, until I read it. I do remember almost all those things listed. The fact that I was growing up around those things make it such a sweet and missed memory... I guess the only reason it struck me was because it conjured up a part of my mind that hasn't been used in a long time...

Erase Me

2006-07-14T21:48:00.000-07:00

...I'm soo annoyed. Myspace is just not working on my computer right now...ugh... Yeah, this is a totally pointless post, but then again, I just want to vent my anger. I guess boredom is driving me to anger faster than usual. Fucking summer boredom, it's almost making me wish for my senior year to come faster...

You know what, I really want to just get away from this place. I want go to some college far from this black hole of boredom. The only problem is my grades, hehehe. It has come to my attention that my grades have been on a steady decline since 8th grade, the last time I had straight A's. It's really funny, in a sinister sort of way, since only my 9th through 12th grades count on my transcript. HAHAHAHA TO ME!!! I'm totally fucked in my dreams to attend Rochester, UCLA, or even USC...

Lighter note-
I'm totally inspired right now by this new CD from Thom Yorke called "The Eraser". It's probably the closest we'll get to a "Radiohead" CD for awhile, but that's okay. This record is totally freaking awesome!!! Thom has never sounded better. My favorite song has to be "Atoms for Peace", where Thom voice soars in "High and Dry"-like fashion. This one CD is the lone bright spot in my otherwise aestetically boring summer. It has inspired my to write (this, among other things) once again.

-Cecilio

The Beginning..

2006-06-23T20:19:00.000-07:00

This college thing... Part 1 of a 3 part series-_-

the beginning (all is well, so far..)

I just started filling out part 1 of an application to get into USC. I fear that this may be the start of a long and possibly (probably) painfully dissapointing road down the college search gauntlet. Not that I fear not getting into a good college, quite frankly, I don't care what college I get accepted to. Right now, any college would do, as long as it's away from here (as in Davis). Recently, I've been seriously contemplating Sac City. I have no idea why, but it doesn't seem that bad. Looking at the HUB Special Edition, I saw that many people are attending Sac City next year. I guess they don't get the bragging rights that those who will attend Stanford, Yale, or Berkeley have. But hey, at least they are going somewhere. I don't know why I'm defending them, or why am I writing this. All I know is that filling out this first part of my first college application is really making me think, maybe even worry (if only just a little).

Here's a poem that perfectly fits the fear I'm feeling, even though I wrote it awhile ago.

Rejection Letter

Insanity drives tortured souls
to succeed.
Flies trapped on a spider’s web,
each one with a familiar story,
grouped and killed
like all the rest.

There is no shame,
they did their best.
If only they were different,
not mere garden variety,
the light that guided the way
would not have ended
with graduation.

Failure is not death,
it is easy to learn from.
Yet the sting of rejection
lingers;
there is no lesson,
just regret.

-Cecilio
^_^;

Senior Prom

2006-05-13T22:58:00.000-07:00

I wish I was at the Senior Prom right now, but it's ok, since I ain't even a senior yet! Hahaha... yeah, I'm totally bored. About the prom, it seems that I just found out about all those "hotel parties" that go on during and after the prom. Not to go into detail about what I heard that goes on in there, and not that I care how people fuck up their lives, but why? It may just be that I'm not a senior yet, or maybe I'm still "imature", or maybe I'm just not that type of person, but I cannot understand why people do that... Oh well. Who knows, I may just be one of those people next year...

Allergies and Stuffyness

2006-05-05T22:51:00.000-07:00

Ok, so "stuffyness" isn't a real word, and it has a double meaning here. First, it's just another way of saying "stuff"; also, as I type this, my nose is really plugged up. Hahaha, I guess it would be a "pun" technically.

So as I finish dowing this allergy pill, I realize that this whole week a blur, a scratchy-eye, runny-nosed, light-headed blur. Not saying that I do drugs, but I guess is how they feel like after a week long binge.

On the topic of drugs, I know many, many people who do them, legal and illegal. I'm definately not specifying who, but I can't say I support their decision to take drugs. There is only one thing I can say about drugs and this is it: if you really need drugs to make your life more interesting and enjoyable, then please reconsider where your life is headed. Of course, I'm saying this right after I took an allergy pill, which many people would say is completely different, but to me, it's all the same thing. I guess what separates drugs from medicine is that you enjoy one and loathe the other, I guess. I really don't know, and I'm really tired.

Wow, how uninspired...

Happy Cinco De Mayo by the way.

Peace, love, and respect, I'm out
-Cecilio

on gays, days, and STAR testing...

2006-04-27T20:37:00.000-07:00

I'm really freaking tired right now, with STAR testing and my allergies kicking up. To top it off, there are only about 7 more weeks of school left over here, which would be a good thing if those nasty little finals weren't in the way.

One thing about STAR testing... It is the way the government makes sure the school is doing their job by testing the students on all the subjects they've taken. Now if less than 95% of the school does not take the test (which has most definately happened here) then the government can refuse some funding, or so I've heard from teachers. Students can opt out of the test if they just get a note from their parents saying they opt out, and it won't hurt them a bit since the test doesn't do squat for college or their future. Basically, if you fuck up a STAR test, you aren't fucked for life like the SAT's...

So around school, I hear people moaning and complaining about how they need to take the STAR test and how pointless and stupid the test is, and frankly, it annoys me. First off, bitching about stuff irks my ire just outright, but for some reason complaining about this really drives me insane. Maybe it's my allergies driving my hands to my eyes to scratch my cornea, but I absolutely don't care if you don't like to take the STAR test. Although the brain child of some capitol hill politician looking for an easy way to look like he cares for the children, it is fairly important. If schools cannot be fairly sampled, than how should the government know whether to give them funding. I know I'm ranting and probably not making a lot of sense, but all I'm trying to say is take the damn test. For once, think of someone else.

Now also, yesterday was the Day of Silence for willing students to protest or show their support for gays and lesbians. I'm completely all for it, and would have participated in it if I knew where to have signed up (yeah, I was kinda lazy). Although it isn't the same defiant stance as when it was first done in the mid-90's, for some reason, there are still these "Christian"/"Conservative" people who protest the day.

Reading in the paper today, I saw that there were these students in a school in Sacramento who were suspended for wearing a T-shirt saying "Homosexuality is sinful". Apparently, some conservative group is now taking up the case and suing the school district for suppression of free speech. Now first I'll say this, bravo to the priciple who suspended the students. People may call it a belief, I just call it ignorance to say homosexuals are sinful. If everything in the Bible was actually believed in, well lets just say we'd be preparing for an apocalypse sometime soon.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are people who are using free speech, and abusing free speech. What are homosexuals doing wrong? What they do is not a choice, they did not choose to be homosexual. How can I prove that, well I just believe it is so. I guess you could say I have faith in them. Hahaha, how ironic...

(yeah, I'm done)
Peace, love, and respect
I'm out
-Cecilio

First Post

2006-04-18T15:26:00.000-07:00

Hello world, I finally made a blog. But since I don't have anything really to say right now, I'm gonna post one of my rants that I wrote yesterday. It was written while I was writing an english essay, so yeah, I was a bit bored last night. Anyways, here it is in its entirety-

"Ok, so I was writing my english essay and got really bored, so I beagan thinking about this one topic that seems to be on everyone's mind lately- illegal immigration.

Now just to be honest with you guys, I'm all for illegal immigration. Sure, it has the word "illegal" in it, which would make you think that what they are doing is wrong, but hear me out. What these people are doing is far from illegal, in fact, I would call it heroic (or just desperate, you pick one). They come here looking for a better life, not just for themselves, but also for their children. They hear stories about how America is the land of the plenty, home of the free and brave. Of course when they get here, they may think otherwise, but hey.

On the legal side of the issue, yeah, there are some problems. Undocumented people are easy targets for people who wish to exploit them, evil owners and the government alike. Just because they are "illegal" doesn't make them exempt from our due process of law, though. Making them fellons is not the answer. Imagine, 11 million fellons running around. What could we do with them? Deport them? Hahaha, frankly my dear, the idea of rounding up 11 million people and getting them to leave is kind of absurd. Yeah, there are "legal" ways to immigrate to this country, but on average they take 5 years to "naturalize" a citizen. While on the contrairy, an Olympic athlete who wanted to participate for the U.S. in this year's Olympics was granted citizenship almost as quick as she asked. Huh? I think a hard working cherry picker is more valuble than a few gold medals.

Me being a 3rd generation child from Mexican migrant workers, I am of course an American citizen and proud of it. I even feel a bit distant from my culture at times. Yet, I know that my great grandparents immigrated here in search of a better life, for them and their children. Through hard work, menial jobs, and good ole' American ingenuity, my great grandparents helped provide my grandparents, parents, and me a better life that wouldn't have been remotely possible back in Mexico.

To deny these illegal immigrants of today their right to seek a better life is not only shelfish, it's the most un-American thought an American can have.

Yeah, those are my two cents and the end of my rant..."