Memories...

So, I’ve been 19 for about a month now. Nothing has really changed. I still feel the same way I did when I was 18. But then again, I didn’t really expect anything to change. No one really does. It’s like that one U2 song says, “nothing changes on new years day…” Those who expect things to change just like that are likely to be fickle, anyway…

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about my past. Nothing really special, it’s just that I’ve been dwelling on a few memories more than the others. Nothing really specific, actually. Basic frames of times, I guess. The memories I’ve been dwelling on? Summers from 3rd grade on…

You see, those summers were really the happiest times of my life, I’m beginning to realize just now. Just an overview of what happened those years: in during the summer of 3rd grade, my family and I had just moved into the house I live in now in East Davis. At the time I really hated that we had moved away from all my friends at the old apartment complex. However, as time moved on, I grew to love the situation I was in. I finally had my own room. Across the way lived a beautiful girl the same age as I (but even then totally out of my league). Behind the house being a large park where I could play on the play structure or just ride my bike around. Still, things never were the same because of the two friends I had left behind at the apartment complex. I would never make friends like them again, or so I thought…

The summer of 4th grade. The first summer I had to go to summer camp. I guess my parents thought it was too much of burden to stay home all summer from their jobs, and they probably got tired of seeing me sitting on my ass all the time at home. So, they sent me off to this summer program the CDC (Child Development Center) my school put on every summer. I pretty much hated this place. It took me forever to make friends there. But, by god, I made friends. They were all younger than I was, mostly, but still, it felt good that I was actually socializing with people of the summer instead of just sitting at home and watching cartoons all day long…

The summer of 5th grade. I split time between the CDC summer program and another little camp called Rainbow Summer, going back and forth between the two for reasons I don’t understand why. There, at Rainbow Summer, you were forced to sit outside most of the freaking time. I was at the Rainbow Summer camp located in Community Park in Davis. I guess for that reason, I grew to love this camp better than the CDC one. Indeed, there was this one time where I was at the CDC camp and we were at our bi-weekly trip to Community pool. Since Rainbow Summer also met by there, it was inevitable that I would see them. Of course, I did, and what followed was one of my favorite memories of summer… Not that I will tell you, hahaha…

The summer of 6th grade. I spent the entire summer at Rainbow Summer. I also spent the entire summer waiting for this one girl who I thought would be there that year, since she was there at times last year (the times I was at CDC instead, go figure). Of course, she never showed up. But I still got to see the friends I had made the past year there once more, and made a few more. I never did see that girl again, until 8th grade, when she transferred to Holmes Junior High for some reason. Wow, looking back, that is a whole hell of a long time ago now…

Ok, so that wasn’t really a short recap of what happened…

Anyway, thinking back on those memories made me realize, I haven’t really changed much since then. I mean, I my tastes have changed a little, friends come and gone, but the feelings have stayed the same. It’s like that Maya Angelou saying, “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” It’s so true, to me at least. I have never forgotten what those times made me feel. They made me feel, well, alive, for lack of a better word. I look back on those times and I weep, I weep because I know that they will never come again. Yet, I also weep because I know that they were the best times of my life up to this point. If I strive to recreate those times, I will fail.

So, what do I do? If I cannot bring back those times, I might as well try to bring back those feelings. Like I said, the situation has changed, but not how I feel. If just for a split second, I could bring those feelings back, I would give the world for it. But I know all I really need to do is live life for what it is. A new time will come when those same feelings will reappear, and I will look back just as I am now and say, “damn.” I can’t pray for it (not that I pray anymore anyway), can’t predict when it will come. But, I will know just as I do now, that there are great times ahead. There will be some bad times too, but how do you know good without the bad?

Am I old? 19 seems a whole hell of a lot older than 18. But, like I said, nothing has really changed. Nothing has changed since I was that 8-year-old boy in 3rd grade. For some reason, I am glad that this is the case. I can look back on that little boy and totally relate to him. Yet, I cannot live in the past. And that is where I am scared. I have been an adult for a whole year now, yet I still think like a child. I guess thinking about your past and analyzing it can be a sign of maturity…

Just to say something final, I will say one thing. There are quite a few things that that little boy never did. One of them being telling that girl how he felt about her. If there is one time good about age, it is that it gives you a little perspective on things. Not that I still have those same feelings for that girl now. I still have those same feelings, just not for her. Yet, I just wonder, what would have happened if I had told her. There is always time to find out…