fall to the darkside...

And now for something you probably won’t like…


For those of you who know me, you know how I despise religion. I won’t show it outwardly, unless there’s something that really gets to me. But, if you are talking about praying, going to church, or missions, and you take a look at me, you will notice my distance…

I was a Catholic. I went through all of the necessary sacraments; from baptism to confirmation. My whole family, on both sides, is devoutly Catholic. But, a little while into last year, I just decide to stop going to church. Something just didn’t click with me, I guess.

You see, as I sat in church those first 18 years of my life, I never really believed in anything that was being said. From there being a higher power to the belief that one guy died for our supposed sins. Nothing made any sense.

Why do we believe in these things such as God? Well, I guess in order to answer that question, we’d have to understand the whole idea of faith and belief. To me, faith and belief are completely and totally different from person to person. It has to be.

We all have our own set of preconceived notions that define how we think. It is what formed these notions that defines who we are as a person. We can change, but not easily.

This is where faith comes in, I believe (no pun intended). When there is something that we don’t understand, we can either attempt to understand it, or, leave it a mystery. Both ways have their uses.

The problem I have with religion is how a lot of people use it as more of a crutch than anything else. They use it as a reason for persecution of others with differing beliefs. They use it as an excuse to justify social injustice. They use it as empty encouragement when they don’t know anything else to say.

There is this image burned in my mind of something I saw in downtown as I waited for the bus back to Davis in Downtown Sacramento. Outside the capital building, parked right by the crosswalk, sat this truck adorned with a large cross protruding from the roof, and messages written all over the sides. It was labeled a as a “truth truck.” The messages it was sending out? “Repent for your sins!” “Homosexuality is a sin!” so on and so forth.

It took me all my might to stop myself from pissing on the truck right then and there. So, instead, I just hocked a big luggie on the hood.

But, it also got me to thinking; how could the same religion that preaches peace and forgiveness also foster this kind of hate and intolerance?

The only answer I can give to that is that faith and belief are totally different from person to person.

Now, what does this have to do with me totally losing faith in my own religion? Well, simply put, everything lost all meaning to me.

When I hear someone saying “God will show you the way” and “Christ is the way,” they have absolutely no weight with me. Even when I thought I was a Catholic, these phrases, the prayers, the simple act of going to church felt empty and meaningless. To me, they almost represent a form of ignorance.

I guess you could say that I was never really Catholic in the first place. You could also say that I just don’t have the connection with God or whatnot that others who truly believe do. But, to counter, I would say that I tried deeply to have a connection with God. You see, as I said before, Catholicism is as much a part of my family as my name. When I say my whole family is religious, I really mean my whole family. My great aunt has been a Catholic nun for more than 50 years…

It’s just, it didn’t click with me. Religion in general just did not click with me. When I started questioning why I believed in this stuff, I really couldn’t find any reasons why I should stick with this religion thing. I just don’t believe.

I know that religion is an extremely personal thing, and to question one’s deeply held beliefs pretty much constitutes blasphemy. But my point, if there is any to this rant, is that there are times you should really question everything that defines your being. You might find out something about yourself that you didn’t know. I cannot believe in pre destiny, I cannot believe that some higher power controls or guides us in our voyage through life. But, like the poet George Bernard Shaw once wrote, “Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."