How To Save A Life...

So in about two hours, I will be off to Bogus Ball, the most pointless and pathetic excuse for a spring dance my school has to offer. I was seriously not contemplating going, and certain circumstances made my decision even harder. Yet, I reasoned that since this is the last Bogus Ball I'll ever attend, mainly because I am a senior now, I might as well go. To hell with getting a date and all that other crap, I'm just going to go and find the other dateless wonders and have fun...

Now that is the type of attitude that scares me. It's that vain, careless, see-what-happens type of attitude that scares me. This is probably why I am extremely anti social at times, but whatever. I just can't stand going somewhere without some sort of plan, some sort of reason. I always seem to think something over and over again in my mind, until every single possibility has played itself out.

But, for some odd reason, that plan always backfires. I just need to look back on all the failures in the past month, past years, to see how much that pathetic crutch has failed. Why, just last month, just to give meaning to the last innocent Valentines Day, I gave someone I thought wouldn't hurt me in the end a bouquet of flowers, you know, just to show her I care. For few hours after school when I returned home, the world felt right once again. For the first time since elementary, I felt completely hopeful and sure of myself. Yet, after I awoke from my afternoon nap, my cell phone rang, and it was her on the other line. You know what happens when you receive a call from someone you weren't expecting. To say the least, that innocent little infatuation with that girl ended right there. Of course, like I always do, I don't take "no" for an answer, and succeeded in completely alienating her from my life.

I managed to gather my thoughts for a little bit after that, and write something that was eventually published in the Sacramento Bee. Here it is-

"The Aftermath of Valentines Day
By Cecilio Padilla

How do you tell someone they're the reason you wake, that you haul your butt to school at 7:45 in morning every day, just for the momentary pleasantry you share as you cross paths in the hall? You can't, but I tried.

I tried and failed.

If it weren't for Valentines Day, I would have never had the courage to even try. It has that morphine-like effect on you, numbing you to reason.

The somber realization hits in the subsequent days. When you pay in sleepless nights and forgetful days for that one gesture, that one day.

It can be roses, candy, or overstuffed bears, but it always taken the same way. What was once an innocent little friendship morphs into a dangerous delusion. You find yourself waiting for that one call that, deep down, you know will never come.

Apologies always fail because they are never whole hearted. Rather, they are vain attempts to restore the status quo, the way things used to be.

Finally, days, weeks, months later, that one devastating and awkward talk comes.

I only wanted to do more than just say 'hello.' Never wanted anything more than a friend. But I guess that is the aftermath of Valentines Day."

Pathetic? Oh yeah... As if I needed to alienate and make her even more uncomfortable...

That is the word of the year, "uncomfortable." No matter what I try to do, I always seem to be uncomfortable. When I try to make myself comfortable, I only manage to make others uncomfortable. Goddammit.

There is also this one thing that has been gnawing at me since high school began. I hate my friends. Each and every one of them. I have almost nothing in common with them. Yet, I have almost nothing in common with anyone. Sure, they are some nice people but, as I've learned time and time again, nice guys finish last. It is those jerks at the top of the food chain that I wish I could be a part of. Yet, I know deep down that I would have found a way to hate them too. Once again, it goes back to that word "uncomfortable." Goddammit.

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There is surely an image I have to keep up about myself. I've been doing some serious soul searching over the past months, considering what have I done, what haven't I done, what were my mistakes, what did I do right, all that crap. I've realized that I've done little right. I've fucked up my grades, I've fucked up my relationships with everyone who matters, and I've fucked up my body. I could have studied instead of sit on my ass, watch reruns of South Park, and wolf down potato chips. But no, I would rather take the lower grade and reason that "it won't hurt my grade too much, I'll still pass..."

Now I have to face the consequences of my actions. To be honest, I don't think I'm going to get into any sort of good college. I've been accepted to SFSU, but the only thing needed to get in there is to pay the price of submitting your application. There is no way in hell I'm getting into USC, UCLA, or even UCSD. I might have a chance at UCSC and my hometown college, UCD, but they are still long shots after what my first semester senior grades look like. Goddammit.

Then there is the ultimate consequence. I fear that I will be alone. Alone for when the world slowly engulfs me and the perfect little universe I live in now collapses in on itself. I fear that no one will ever truly like me for me. I am such an asshole. I put up so many barriers around myself that I fear the real me has been forever lost somewhere inside, or it just suffocated on self importance.

Well, the only solace is that there is still basically half a year left to make some things right. I know I cannot make everything right, but I can at least begin where I left off somewhere in 7th grade. I can begin to start my life once again.